Update.

Good news! Despite all the blood that squirted out of my Dear Old Boy's ass yesterday he seems to be doing well and all the time he was still eating, playing, rolling around on the carpet thinking he's still a puppy( even though he turns 15 in Feb.) going for short walks( due to his arthritic hip) and later yesterday when he tried to shit all that came out were 2 small blood clots which is a good sign the bleeding was clotting and either was stopping or had stopped  and th8is morning when he shit it was squishy but brown and NO blood! YAY!! I'm just sooooo happy and relieved and I thank God! I just love him so much and I seriously don't know what I'd do without him! He is my Rock, my sanctuary, my confidante, my best friend, my soul-mate. He is everything I always needed and prayed for. He is the only thing keeping me from just ending it all. He is the glue that keeps me together, the anchor that keeps me grounded.. He is my heart. 💕 He likes jelly beans as well.

I think as well maybe the reason one of my cousins refused my Facebook friend request is because I'm an anti-vaxxer and anti-masker as I've seen her pro-mask, pro-Corona propaganda on shared relatives posts but it's stupid though as you can disagree and be respectful and still be friends; I even have friends with totally opposite views of mine, such as pro-gun,military vets, and even Trump supporters.Just because people are different  than you and don't share all the same views doesn't mean you can't still be friends; you can just agree to disagree and just don't discuss those topics.I also started my new Rheumatoid Arthritis med: Meloxicam which reminds me of Mexican   and the other night walking upstairs to bed I was so out of breath I collapsed on the bed thinking I was going to have a heart-attack and what I thought was my last "dying" thought was, oddly, I wonder if it's hard to make Feta cheese? and the 26 YR old says since his head injury he's forgotten  all of the Portguese that he's learned.,too, even though most of that( if not all of it) was after he got knocked out at jiu-jitsu...I'm thinking he should get referred to a neurologist at this point for more testing.

The 19 YR old has a night flight back home to Vancouver tonight and even though she and the 17 YR old are like twins the 17 YR old really doesn't treat her nice; I watch them inter-act and she's always bossing her around, telling her what to do, using threats against her to make her do what she wants, and is the dominant one in the relationship and always makes all the decisions and "corrects" and "scolds" the 19 YR old when she "disobeys" and "defies" her and even tells her to "shut up!" etc and it's demeaning and for some reason she also seems to think she's the "Boss" of the entire family,too,and my hubby even gives in to her and stupidly goes along with whatever she says( to avoid conflict, perhaps, or to make her happy, or so she'll "like" him?) and I keep telling him to step up and actually be a parent but he lets her take over ad "rule" the houseand no one ever listens to me  and I have no voice, "say", or authority and he never backs me up. She also says she can't wait to move out! and will as soon as she turns 18 in the spring. Meanwhile, the 26 YR old is still here and will probably always be here, even if we ever sell the house(which won't be until both my mother and I are dead). He'll come with it, sort of like when we bought it; it came with a couch and a Ficus plant(which we still have; the Ficus, not the couch) which was left behind by the previous owners.

I also asked the 19 YR old is she could maybe help me, if she knew what the 17 YR old's issue with me was, why she treats me so horribly when we used to be so close, because she herself refuses to tell me and she seems to know but said it's not up to her to tell and I have to ask the 17 YR old but I did only she won't tell me and that's the problem: no one ever TELLS me anything!!!! If before someone(either her or one of her siblings) had only just TOLD me what was going ON, that she was struggling, then maybe she wouldn't have ended up in the ER with an eating disorder, self-harming and a suicide attempt!!!! If I had known I could have gotten her some help sooner and it could have been prevented but no one ever tells me anything! I do inquire and I do ask, but no one ever tells me;I'm always left out of the "loop" and the never let me in!Then after all that my mother had the nerve to tell me to :

Just 'let it 'go'.

Is she kidding? How can I just "let it go" when the one I loved more than anyone else in the world and used to be the closest to shattered me beyond repair by withdrawing  that love and turning her back on me and not only that but then treating me  like an enemy while my heart and soul just broke watching her struggle during her crisis and helping her recover from it and all the time since always in the back of my head worrying if it might ever return  again and how I'll likely still not know(like I had no idea the first time because she was so sneaky about hiding it and even though some of the others suspected no one ever said anything or told anyone!) because even though I ask no one ever talks to me or tells me anything but just always push me away, exclude me and hate me I at least deserve to know why and if you don't communicate and don't talk then how can issues possibly be worked on or fixed? The therapists we saw before said we have to talk, be open and discuss things but I'm the only one who wants to and it feels like I'm just talking to a wall, and my family wonders I hate them, and when I see them all sitting crouched together watching a video, or playing a game or something  they don't even feel like my kids but distant strangers, and I know I have to just let the 17 YR old go(the things we love the most also come with the highest price and have the most to lose) and detach completely from my toxic family that only bring me down and make me feel even worse about myself but where do I start?

I also read in a spiritual site to Rid yourself of self-love" to attain greater spiritual enlightenment and that's certainly not a problem for me as I've never had any self-love or loved myself as it's hard to love yourself when no one else ever has, and there's no hatred more intense than self-hatred, and angry people are just hurt and I need someone to want me, choose me, need me, and love me and the only time I've ever had that is with my dog and my future remains in the past.