Happiness.

I still remember when I was a little kid the joy of walking home from school in the spring and admiring my neighbour's beautiful pink blossoms all over their tree, I now know to be cherry blossoms, just staring up at them in wonder and awe, just captivated by their beauty, and that's what happiness was and what happiness felt like, and yesterday I was able to sit outside in the sun for 3 1/2 hours with Buddy, smoking weed, listening to music just floating away enjoying the sounds and smells of spring, feeling the sun on my face, hearing the birds sing, and I was hit with this familiar yet unrecognizable feeling that I couldn't quite place and hadn't felt in a long, long time, and then it came to me:

It was happiness.

and it felt so good.

But, it's me, and it couldn't last for long and had to quickly come crashing down as later in the day I received an e-mail from the oldest that just broke me; he said that maybe I should reflect on why my kids are always so eager to leave and move in with older siblings(I just figured it's normal for kids in North America to move out when they turn 18 and liked living with siblings as room-mates is more economical and they get along and lived together their whole lives and know eachother's living habits)...implying it's due to me or something I've done so I asked him to elaborate as I honestly have no idea(other than me having autism and bipolar in general and the damage my own traumas and PTSD caused), of which I have no control over) and for particulars and the kids are always making me feel like I'm a bad mother and that I damaged them to such an extent some of them need therapy for, yet how can they be sure it was due to me or solely due to me, when mental illness does run in the family, and maybe it was also just the conflict in the family itself (such as the yelling, arguing and in-fighting between my mother, my hubby, and I) and the environment, such as stress of having to live in hiding,on the run and in fear for years and then financial difficulties after plus life-threatening medical issues and mental illness struggles, and not due to me personally? I really can't think of anything in particular that I would have done that would cause them to hate me, and none of them ended up in prison, in gangs, drug addicts, alcoholics, rapists, killers, teen parents, with criminal records, in trouble with the law, drop-outs, on welfare, etc. so I think I must have done an OK job..Nobody's perfect though and we all just  do the best we can..Whatever it was though( or whatever they might think it was) I had no idea and that's NOT  who I am, but I'm so sorry and I hope they can find healing and forgiveness but you can't change the past; what's done is done, and maybe now the best and only thing I can do is just walk away so I can't do any more damage?

I also saw 2 squirrels yesterday getting it ON and one was loudly chattering but the other was squealing and I wasn't sure if it was in pleasure or if it was being raped and I couldn't stop thinking about that poor squirrel, and the neighbour next door's maple tree is leaking so much sap as well ( my guess is the woodpeckers made the holes so it leaks out) it covers 4 squares on the sidewalk out the front as well as part of our driveway and when I walk on it it's so thick and sticky that my shoes always stick to it, and you can tell it's spring now too as it's still cold in the morning -5C and you need hats and mitts but in the afternoon it's warm 14C and you can sit outside, and my hubby snarked to me the weight limit on the new patio chairs is 250 pounds and said to me Will you be OK with that?  and I just wanted to throttle him and the f*cker is lucky that he's still alive and breathing; I wanted to kill him! The 17 YR old also said she's glad to be going to Vancouver as well so she won't have to listen to me singing out loud anymore and I told her I also will be glad I won't have to listen to her always complaining about me singing and always telling me to stop singing too so we'll both be happy!

In the morning taking Buddy out for his early walk I also smelled weed; someone was doing a Wake&Bake  and it wasn't me, and I was like a prey animal at a watering hole; I detected the smell and quickly perked up my head on alert and sniffed in the air, ha,ha, and since Buddy is old now and lost alot of his teeth he can't chew and eat the hard or chewy stuff anymore like he used to so I'm transitioning him over to soft, moist, mushy dog food(easier for him to eat) now from the real meat and at first he was hesitant but then he was so hungry he tried it....and liked it, and I get him the Cesar brand because he deserves the best, and there was this episode of the Berenstain Bears at the dentist too where they said Drill it & fill it and the kids and  I just lauged our asses off; it just sounds so obscene, and they caught and arrested that armed man that was on the loose( he was hiding in someone's backyard shed; they saw him on their survellience camera and called the cops) and he had stabbed a cop and the 17 YR old said she knows someone that knows the guy,too! Wow, they sure know some "choice" people!

Long may you run- Neil Young