6 Weeks.

Here are my sunflowers, 6 weeks old tomorrow. Look at those suckers grow! There's getting so big and tall now, all except for that one poor one though at the bottom right, so much smaller than all the others, but I'm not going to count him out and I'm rooting for him, just like my crop last year; the smallest one was actually the first one to blossom, so you never know and size doesn't(always) matter. We all develop,mature and grow in our own time. Today we're also having a BBQ. We wanted to a few days ago except it was always raining, and I'm really worried about Buddy today and it's one of those days where I think he really doesn't have too much time left(and he is 15, remember); 2 days ago he had some blood in his shit(but none since) and yesterday he wasn't eating, not even when I tempted him with his fave. foods and he was limping around and today he can hardly walk and I even had to carry him back from his morning walk! He also met the new neighbour dog this morning too, the one that moved into the sold house at the corner; a beautiful Husky named Roxy  with lovely pale blue eyes, and the new neighbours were out on their back porch at 7 am talking really loudly(I think they might be American) and I haven't seen any kids yet but I assume they have some as the other people left the trampoline behind and I also did see a tiny little purple glittery Crocs shoe left in their driveway,so....It's so weird though how I never see anyone actually moving in or out of that house though; they just all of a sudden appear there, as if they always move in and out overnight or something....

My hubby and the boys also thought it would be "funny" to provoke and annoy me by putting up a background/wallpaper/screensaver whatever-you-call-it on the TV with an occult symbol on it which I most certainly did NOT appreciate and I hate it too how they think it's "funny" to purposely do things they know annoy me and get me upset, esp. when it's blasphemous things against God, and God is sort of like Buddy in a way too in the way that He doesn't care that I'm fat, ugly, stupid, autistic and bipolar; He loves me anyway, just the way I am, and when I first got Buddy I can remember how downright hostile my hubby was to him too and didn't want a dog in the house and wanted nothing to do with him and ignored him and even threatened to open the door so he'd run out onto the road and he was really awful .....and yet now he's "warmed" himself into even his cold heart and now he feeds him when he's eating and he'll pat him, rub his belly and even sit down beside him to spend time with him and I know when he dies even he'll miss him,too. The 14 YR old also told me again(like he often does) Go kill yourself!  and I replied, I'll do it when I'm ready,NOT when you tell me to! and my hubby had returned from shopping and my mother asked him, Where are the cabbage rolls? and he said They weren't on the list and she goes, I meant  to put them on... and he and I just looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and sighed....how was he supposed to know what she meant to do? He's not a mind-reader!

My mother also wrote down on a piece of paper what she wants inscribed on her fancy bakery cake to order for her upcoming 80th birthday this month: 80! Wow!  and just for laughs I added fuck! so now it says 80! Wow! Fuck! and I have this little brown triangle-shaped birth-mark on my stomach I've always had too that looks like an arrowhead I wonder is maybe from a past-life and I was shot and killed by an arrow, and yesterdasy my hubby picked up my pills at the pharmacy and when I asked where they were no one could find them and all the bags had been unpacked from the grocery and he kept insisting they were in one of the bags yet they were all unpacked so I was freaking-out; where were my pills? What happened to them? Where could they be? Did they get lost? I went in the car to look in case they fell out of the bag but they weren't there and my hubby and I were looking all over.Still no pills. I was really panicking and either my hubby or my mother(I can't remember who it was, I just remember hearing the comment) sneered,Just stop 'Cold Turkey'  you can't just stop certain pills such as BP pills or you get bad reactions and my mother scoffed to stop ranting and raving and I reminded her of how she ranted and raved too and just over a sandwich the other day and at least this is something important and then she had the actual nerve to say that her sandwich is more important than my medication and finally my hubby found it; it turned out my mother had it the entire time; she had a grocery bag with chips(and also the cheese curds which should have been put away in the fridge!) she was hiding next to her bed that also had my piils in it that, of course, she never told anyone about and that's where they were and then when I let her "have" it for causing me all the needless worry and stress(plus she didn't look or else she would have found them in her bag) she never said "sorry" or took any responsibility like always and shrugged, Stop complaining and just be grateful that you found them and shut-up!  I swear, that woman really is  a piece of work! I can see why my father left her; she is impossible to live with!She never validates or supports me,either, she's never on my "side" and nothing I do is ever good enough.No wonder I grew up to be such a hot mess.

I'm sad too to hear one of my fave. Facebook friends (a 70 YR old Vietnam War vet oddly) tested positive on his colon cancer screening test( the one they test your shit samples for blood) and now he has to get a cononoscopy next month and now he's really scared he has colon cancer. I hope not. That happened to me 4 years ago and I had the procedure and they found a colon polyp the doc called a real bleeder they removed and even had to put a clamp on after it was bleeding so much which she said was unusual. Colon cancer runs in my family too so it puts me at even higher risk but he's 70 so he's high-risk too. He's a dear friend with a kind heart and a good soul,he's like this gentle old hippie; he's has such a love for animals,too I hope he'll be ok. I've already had 4 or 5 FB friends die over the years but he's one of my faves.  I saw on the news too the average senior lives off 43K a year too and it made me laugh:the gov't pension is just a measly 600$ a month( unlike in Europe where it's 2K, more reasonable) so who can possibly live on that, esp. when rent's at least 2K a month? My hubby said from investment and retirement savings like he has( he started in his 20's and has an investment guy and everything) but I don't think alot of people have that though; savings for retirement, esp. when most people just live paycheque to paycheque and living costs so much they don't have anything left for savings or to put aside for retirement/the future, and he shocked me too when he mentioned how his retirement $$$$ is for us ;both  he and I (when I mentioned all I'll get is the 600$ a month old-age gov't pension when I turn 65 although I doubt I'll live that long) because I always just assumed as soon as the youngest moves out that he was going to leave,too! I can still remember when there was a time too, in the beginning, when he and I used to sit up in bed and eat chocolate McCain's cake right out of the box,and I'd be wearing his black flannel shirt and no pants and he thought it was so sexy....and then the kids came along and brought with them untold trauma that broke and divided us so badly we were never able to heal or recover from.😢

Be the fearless soul you were born to be~ Gordana Biernat .