Deformed.

My sunflowers are not only small( not the plants, which are tall, but the actual flowers themselves) but they're also deformed,too; they're mutants; they only have 1 layer of petals instead of the usual 2-3 layers and the middle part(where the seeds are) is sooo puny, only the size of a dime, when in actual fact it should be really big, the biggest part of the flower! I feel so disappointed like I often do in life, and this is yet another one of my failures and something else that didn't work out or go right for me. I should have known. Even after all that time, hard work, dedication and effort this is what I get. Just like parenting. All those decades of my life and work, time, dedication,sacrifice and effort and all I get in the end for all that is kids that hate me and all I get after 3 months of my efforts are reject sunflowers and I feel so let down. I was really looking forward to them,too(the only thing I have this summer), and this is what I get.

The story of my life.

The neighbour's sunflowers, meanwhile, are nice and healthy and big and look the way they're supposed to; the proper size and everything.Yes, I have sunflower envy. It's sort of like penis envy only with sunflowers. I wish mine were bigger. They look more like Mums or Daisies than sunflowers actually. I can't do anything right and my life is just one big disappointment after another. On the radio they were also hyping it up about this big announcement about an upcoming outdoor concert and I got all excited and then when they finally announced it was just Blue Rodeo. YUCK. All that hype for nothing. I was so disappointed. I thought it was actually for someone good and was hoping I'd finally get to see live music again,.

Today( after a few days of bloody diarrhrea) Buddy's shit are finally formed into soft turds and no more bleeding, thank God, but he's still barfing( always foamy yellow stuff) but at least he's eating more now so hopefully whatever it was is out of his system now but for awhile there I was fearing this was The End and I was planning on ending it myself too as soon as he's gone(I even have a plan all planned out as well as a back-up plan in case it doesn't work) because without him I'll have nothing left anymore and nothing left to live for anymore,; he's the only thing that keeps me going and the only reason I'm still alive  and yesterday when I told the 14 YR old to do his chores he snarled at me Shut-up and kill yourself!  and one day likely very soon he'll get what he wants and he'll be happy, along with the rest of them. They broke me and probably will end up killing me,too.

My friend's son( seen here) is now also able to communicate using hand signals as he still has the trach and can't speak and I can see he's lost lots of weight,too( he used to be a heavier guy) I guess after being tube-fed for an entire month that would do it( maybe that's what I  should try; a liquid diet?) but it worries me I don't think there's something quite "right" about his eyes; the way they look and I hope it's NOT brain damage of any sort but rather just the sedation. For the past couple of days we also have this huge swarm of flies( at least 50 of them, maybe even more) swarming all at this same window in the livingroom and I don't know where they came from or what's attracting them, and the other day our Internet was down for 8 HRS and the kids thought it was like we were Amish but everyone was in the livingroom all together at the same time and we got to talk and bond and it was nice, and the 14 YR old didn't do his recycling so of course like always my mother "picked up the slack" and did it for him, not wanting her precious little prince to have to lift a finger and have to do any work, and her balance is bad and she tipped over and fell down and hit her head and now has a bump but has no one to blame but herself and she calls it "helping" when it's really interferring, and he didn't put part of the garbage out either so I woke him up early the next morning to complete the task(since he didn't do it the night before like he was supposed to and put it on the curb for pick up) and my mother and hubby said I was being "mean" but how else will he learn otherwise? I also hope that I die before I ever get to the stage where my mother is; she needs a walker and often falls down and hurts herself, can no longer go up and down stairs and shits herself and has to wear diapers, ,and my friends post photos of their fugly grandkids up on Facebook wanting Likes  thinking they're "adorable" too but I just keep scrolling past as I would feel like a lying hypocrite so I just don't say anything,and the 2 things I've always wanted the most in life, to be happy and to be pretty, one I only had for 12 YRS and the other I've never had and never will and are also the most out of my reach.

When were the good and the brave ever in the majority?-John Brown