Yesterday I went to the new Korean take-out in town(I sort of feel like I "betrayed my BFF who owns a Korean restaurant but we're also not driving out 2 HRS each way,either) and we got spicy pork, ribs, some kind of beef, glass noodles( my fave) Kimchi, rice and some sort of soup. It was 55$ but it was really good.Being there reminded me of my BFF's place and brought back happy nostalgic memories. Speaking of my BFF I saw a recent photo of her and I barely even recognized her I had to blink and look twice to make sure it was even her; she's changed so much all of a sudden; her face just looks completely different she doesn't even look like her "old" self anymore, it's hard to describe but she's lost her looks sadly( she always used to be so pretty) so I don't know whether it's grief(since her father died and she's all alone now) or just age, or if maybe she's sick or what but it was shocking and sad to see. At least with me, being always ugly to begin with I had nothing to lose. I used to cook all kinds of fancy gourmet food before I had kids too but I don't have any photos because back then in the 80's we didn't take photos of our food, we just ate it. I also read somewhere that being autistic you are generally mature as a kid and immature as an adult and that fits just perfectly, or at least for me it does, and I have always loved to fly and be both on and in the water too, the ocean balanced against the sky.
I also can really relate to this song,too and the lryics describe how I feel in life and my ongoing struggles:
Every day I'm just survivin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Even when I feel like dyin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Another night I'm barely holdin' on
One step away from being dead and gone
Am I alive to die another day?
Is this life that I've been livin'
All that's meant for me?
Every day I'm just survivin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Even when I feel like dyin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Every time I think I'm over it
I wake up in the bottom of it all again
I'm still survivin', keep climbin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
The higher I go, the harder I fall
So I don't look down, I don't look back at all
And when I wish it all would turn to black
I try to see the light and push the darkness back
Every day I'm just survivin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Even when I feel like dyin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Every time I think I'm over it
I wake up in the bottom of it all again
I'm still survivin', I keep climbin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
So If I'm numb, already too far gone
And If I feel a pulsin', I can carry on
When I'm lost and wanna fade away
I tell myself to live to die another day, yeah
Every day I'm just survivin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Even when I feel like dyin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Every time I think I'm over it
I wake up in the bottom of it all again
I'm still alive and keep climbin'
Keep climbin' the mountain, the mountain
I also decided if anyone ever asks me if I've had the COVID vaccine I'm going to reply, "Do you also want to know my blood type and when I had my last MRI, Pap test and colonoscopy, and when I last took a shit,too?" and tomorrow I have to go to the lab as well twice; at 7 am and 3 pm to have my blood work done and tested(fasting as well in the morning from Midnight the night before) to see if I might have a pituitary gland tumour as they have to measure hormone levels at certain times, and last night I had this weird dream too I had this hamster named Charlie and I would bring it with me to highschool and one day it escaped and a teacher threw it across the room and stomped on it, killing it, so for revenge I spread a rumour that she was sleeping with students(so she'd get fired) and all the other students turned against me and were bullying and harrassing me and one said You don't even try to fit in!(and I had only been there 2 days) and I replied, I couldn't care less and I'm only here for a month anyway! and they put some sort of tracer on my dress too so they'd always know where I was to harrass me and I had to take it off so they wouldn't find me but I ended up naked and had to hide.
"Sleeping was better than offing myself."-Simone Biles, Olympic gymnast
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