Bloody.

I was supposed to title this Buddy but I sunconsciously typed Bloody. I don't think my best friend has too much time left now and that today might be The Day. Last night before bed he was bleeding from his mouth and at first I thought it was from another loose tooth since he has rotten teeth that fall out and part of his mouth is rotting away since he is 15 1/2 and there wasn't too much and it didn't last long but then this morning at 6 am I heard him gagging and I turned on the light and blood was just pouring out of his mouth(and some clots as well) and he was trying to lick it off but it was gushing out and then he'd sneeze and it would spray all over and my bed, my face,arms and shirt got covered in it and I used up almost an entire toilet paper roll to soak it all up and it lasted for a good 90 minutes or so and when I took him out for his morning walk he also barfed up pure blood, a big mushy gelationous pile of it, and last night he also did a gel-like shit too that squelched out and that looked like strawberry jam. He's really thirsty too and keeps drinking, obviously dehydrated with fluid loss losing all that blood so he's obviously bleeding internally somewhere, so maybe it's a tumour like I'd always thought? This is just breaking my heart. He is my entire world; my life, my everything. Cuddling with him is also the only physical contact and comfort that I have in my life and if I didn't have him I wouldn't have anyone to love me,either. He's all I've got. If he dies tomorrow it will also make it the best and the worst day of my life: the best as it's the day my oldest was born and the worst being the day I lost my best friend. This is all just so painful I feel cold and sick and I can hardly even breathe. it just seems so surreal and I feel like I'm just on auto-pilot. I feel like I'm "outside" of my body almost looking down but that it's not really me, like I "left" and the body is just left behind going thru the motions.

I also wouldn't stop coughing yesterday and when I woke up from my nap it felt like I had a lump in my throat as well and my abdomenal pain always seems worse after I shit and eat,too, so if I don't shit and eat maybe it'll go away then, and my debilitating fatigue cancer would explain it as well; so drop-dead tired I feel like a deflated air mattress someone undid the valve and let all the air out. I feel like something is literally sucking the life out of me. I noticed as well lately my hair's been growing alot slower and it used to grow really fast and the past few days it feels like time is moving "slowly" too, and I like to refer to the kids as the kids or the 14 YR old for example too and not my kids or my 18 YR old because the word my implies ownership  and I don't "own" them; they are their own independent people, and I saw a squirrel hanging upside-down from a tree too trying to get seeds from an outer branch and they're quite comical to watch, and a good thing about having so many wet leaves all over the sidewalk too is I can use them to wipe Buddy's ass after he does a shit, and I also used a discarded mask I found on the sidewalk,too, finally a mask put to some good use! 

Everything always happens for a reason but we don't always know what the reason is at the time.