Last night was Buddy's worst night yet. Every hour from 9pm-2 am he was hemmoraging, I mean massive bleeding from both his mouth and nose, it was just gushing, pouring out, I could hardly keep up with cleaning it;(and the smell was horrific) it was like water coming out of a hose and he looked so scared and he was choking and gagging on it and I could tell when the next "session" was starting up too because he'd get this startled almost "frozen" look on his face and go sort of stiff and I'd hear loud rumbling in his abdomen(and I could even feel something moving around in there that felt almost like a snake wiggling) and then the bright redblood (with a couple of clots,too)would start flowing and he kept trying to get away, off the bed, not wanting to get it all bloody, wanting to go off on his own,but I told him it was OK and I held him close, cuddling him the whole time, cleaning off the blood, keeping vigil.staying up with him, most of the night until it finally stopped and we got a bit of sleep at 2 am but I only got 4 HRS sleep and I'm beyond exhausted, both physically and emotionally and this is really taking a toll on both of us and it breaks my heart too to both watch and endure and my heart bleeds with him. It was sad,too, yesterday he went up to the 27 YR old to say goodbye and he wanted him to pick him up but he wouldn't, saying he didn't want to get blood all over him, so Buddy just slowly walked away, dejected. It doesn't matter to me. I hold him close and just wash all the blood off. He belongs in my arms.
Fortunately for Buddy, he just lives day to day, moment to moment and doesn't know what's coming, but I do and when it happens my entire world will fall apart and today he can hardly even stand up and I could tell that he wanted to go for his walk and he looked ahead longingly but he just didn't have it in him, and I pray God is merciful and takes him quickly and painlessly and doesn't prolong it. I don't want him suffering and having this drag out but at the same time I can't bring myself to euthanize him either as I wouldn't be able to live with myself; I couldn't live with the guilt and the feeling of betrayal of killing my best friend.
I just can't do it.
He literally saved my life and I can't take his away. I noticed his gums are mostly all black too and squishy like clood clots and just disintigrating, basically just rotting and dissolving and being eaten away so it must be cancer, and I have black, tarry shit and bleed from my ass, too, so I wonder if we are both being poisoned or something? What else would explain it, but why and by who? My only guess would be either my hubby or the 14 YR old. I also have this knowing too that this Chapter is soon coming to an end and Our Story is almost over but I am so thankful for the 7 YRS God gave us together and we'll find eachother again on the Other Side. I'll look for him and we'll be together again.Best friends together forever.
As well, yesterday the local Public health actually phoned us and left a message on our answering machine telling us to get the vaccine! Can you believe it? What next...showing up at our door in their brown shirts and jack boots and holding us down right there to get it or dragging us away, never to be seen again? The oldest also said he got it because his employer paid him 500$ to get it but I wouldn't get the Mark Of The Beast or sell my soul for anything for any price,and eternity is a loooong time, and my cough is much worse past few days too, so bad tears stream down my face when I cough and I wonder if maybe I even might have inhaled some spores or something from a mold in my bong and breathed it into my lungs or something maybe? This isn't just a regular cough. I also have my bong soaking cleaning for a couple of days and my mother asked how can I smoke weed then without it and I informed her I also have a pipe, vapes,and joints, and it's like investing; you have to diversify; you can't just rely and depend on one. She also made a crack about me losing weight and I told her I have nothing to prove and no one to impress anymore, and to try and make myself pretty( believe me, I've tried) is an impossible task,anyway, it's like trying to make a silk purse out of a pig's ear. You can only do so much with what you've got; an artist can't paint unless he has the right materials to work with.
When I die I'll finally be free from a world that showed me little mercy or love.
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