Stairways And Rainbows.

I heard Stairway To Heaven  by Led Zeppelin (one of my fave. songs and fave. bands) 3 times  in just a day plus I also saw a rainbow and I rememberd I'd had a revelation before that I would hear and see both  just before I die,too, so is Someone trying to tell me something? My debilitating fatigue and weakness is so bad and overwhelming as well that it just can't be releived no matter what,too, no matter how much I sleep, no matter how early I go to bed at night, no matter how much sleep I get at night, even napping 2 HRS every day, it doesn't seem to make any difference; it's just this heavy ever-presence heavy draining weight of tiredness and fatigue that constantly weighs me down and I drag along with me everywhere like a ball and chain that I just can't shake off and now not only do my bones ache but now they actually hurt, esp. the long bones in my arms and legs and my lower spine and it's always worse when I'm trying to sleep for some reason,too. Ugh! Of course the stomach,back,and abdomenal pain are always constant as well and the only time I get a short respite from the pain is for a few hours after I smoke weed.That reminds me, last night I was sitting out on the back porch at night hitting the bong, looking up at the stars and my lighter went out and all I kept getting was sparks but no flame and that's just like my life. All sparks but no flame.

Buddy didn't bleed at all yesterday but during the night at 2 am he did again but only a bit( just one "scrunch" of toilet paper) and it didn't last long. I heard him making slurping, lapping, licking sounds so I woke up and checked and he was licking the blanket and at first it was just all wet with saliva but then it turned red. I wonder what it was though? He's obviously bleeding from somewhere  but it comes and goes.Could it just be his decaying gums and teeth or is it something more serious like an invading tumour or aneurysm about to rupture or something?  He did so well yesterday too like his normal self; he was wagging his tail, ate alot, even back to humping my leg; you'd never know he lost so much blood the day before and I was so sure he was 'bleeding out" and I was losing him. I don't want to have false hope or be in denial; maybe we're just being given a bit more time but I'm enjoying every minute I still have left with him and yesterday he got to have his fave. steak and I even gave him some of my chocolate donut too since I figure he's dying anyway so what will it hurt? I might as well give him everything that he enjoys while he's still here. It's such a horrible, awful feeling,too, like I'm just waiting around for him to die not knowing how much time we have left; is it a few days or just a few hours?

I also talked to the oldest( and the 23 YR old,too) yesterday for his birthday and he got the Mark Of The Beast  but the 23 YR old didn't, likely having survived cancer and having had chemo he doesn't want to risk the side-effects and the oldest said he was diagnosed with ADHD too and my hubby said that all  the kids have it as well which is news to me; I homeschooled them all and I never noticed it(except for the 26 YR old who turns 27 tomorrow) they did well with their school work and stayed on task and didn't "wander" off or get distracted...or maybe it was because  they were homeschooled that it wasn't an issue because we were flexible and structured the school and the lessons around them  and didn't force them  to conform  to the same mould as everyone else  and they were able to learn and develop at their own individual pace and in their own unique style.They weren't labelled (or seen as broken or needing to be "fixed")and they were able to learn their own way.I also watched Dear Evan Hanson  and I could sooo relate to Evan,too; he's just like me; alone, an outcast, always on the outside looking in,needing a friend and someone to love him, to feel accepted, awkward, anxious, depressed, etc. and I cried thru the entire thing(something I rarely do during movies unlike my mother who blubbers on a regular basis) and I was just saying how excited I am now the KFC Double Down sammich is back....and then just last night when I was in bed the 26 YR old goes to KFC and gets food and never even has the consideration to think to pick me up one knowing how much I wanted it(and I'd pay  him for it, for f*ck's sake!) and it hurts how I mean so little to my family and they treat me with such little regard and thought. I really don't matter and just like Evan said, I could disappear and no one would even notice.

"Do you choose fear or do you choose love?"