Update.

Much to my surprise but great relief Buddy is still here with us! I thought for sure with all that blood yesterday that he was dying and that he wouldn't survive yesterday or during the night  yet God was kind and merciful enough to grant us a bit more time together although it still feels like we're living on "borrowed" time. I'm grateful though for each day, or even each hour, that we still have together.So I wonder if he does have a tumour somewhere then and that's what was causing the bleeding or if maybe it was even the hernia he has in his groin? He can hardly walk though, poor thing, and he wobbles, staggers, and sways, unsteady and when I pick him up he's all floppy,limp,and weak and he just slept all day yesterday as I cuddled him in my arms  but surprisingly he did still eat half his food which I didn't expect as when you're dying you stop eating, and I know how much he loves being outside (like I do) feeling the sun and breeze on his face so we also sat out on the front veranda  as he was dying, his life slowly ebbing away,watching the dying leaves falling and being carried off by the wind,and it's sad to think that I might not have him beside me in bed tonight and that today might be our last day together. As we were sitting out there a neighbour also walked by and asked me hey! How are you? and I lied and said the obligatory OK while secretly dying inside, knowing I'm losing my best friend any time now and that it will soon be the worst day of my life.

When Buddy dies I will lose a part of myself  that will never come back. I always knew  that one day this day would eventually come (and he is 15 1/2) I'm not ready and I'll never be "ready" to say goodbye to my best friend and never be ready to let go; he's the best thing to ever happen  to me in my entire life  and I'll just be lost without  him and have nothing left  in life anymore; no more love, light, joy, purpose, reason for living, etc. He is the love of my life and my soul mate.  He literally saved my life and is the one thing that still keeps me going and the reason that I live for. He's really all I have. I hardly slept much last night either, worried he'd die during the night if I closed my eyes and every time I'd startle awake realizing I'd fallen asleep I'd reach over and put my hand on his side to check and make sure he was still breathing, just like I did to every single one of my babies during their first year ,too, worried of losing them to SIDS,and then I'd sigh in relief and turn over, say a prayer of thanks to God, and go back to sleep. The day he dies is the day I most dread and if I had one wish it would be that he could live forever. Now I know he's likely dying I'm just cold and sick with worry and fear with this sick cold fear in the pit of my stomach and my stomach is in "knots" and I can't eat and I feel like I'm on "auto-pilot" and feel the same way I did before when the now 23 YR old had leukemia when he was 7(did I ever tell you that I even planned his funeral at one point? ) and it's just the worst feeling in the world.

Today is also my oldest's birthday: he's 32  and I will never  forget the 24 HR labour I endured with him ( even after 11 kids all my labours were long and difficult; I never got a "break" or a short "easy" one; for me *everything* is always difficult and a struggle for me in life and my average labour is 14 HRS) 18 HRS drug-free and I wanted it natural but after 18 HRS of agonizing pain that put me to the edge of unconsciousness I'd had enough and I was begging them to either end the pain or just kill me. I did end up having a total natural birth though with the 25 YR old, 12 HRS, although not by choice(and I don't recommend it)  and birth is the most PAINFUL thing I've ever had  and I've had alot  of pain, incl. immobilizing migraines, surgery pain, etc. and I have a high pain tolerance,too! On the pain scale I rate surgery pain a 8/10, migraines a 9/10 and birth a 12/10. In 2 more days the 26 YR old also has a birthday and turns 27 and the best thing about being an adult as well is you can eat the dessert first if you want.

I pray that God gives me the strength for what lies ahead and for what needs to be done.