Darkness.

On The Blacklist  the other day Reddington said his life has always been darkness and every now and then a bit of light shines thru the darkness and he basks in it for the short period he can and enjoys the opportunity as it's so brief and infrequent in a life of darkness and it was as if he was describing me and my life and he described depression perfectly. I really felt that. Having a life of depression, trauma, misfortune, crisis, unhappiness, abuse, sorrow, bad luck, hurt, betrayal, etc. I stumble around in the dark barely able to keep my head above water but every now and then a ray of light shines thru the thick darkness and I desperately grab on to it with both hands and hold on tightly as long as I can before it quickly fades away and I try to enjoy the little things in life too and try to look for something good and that will bring me joy in each day as well, whether it's getting to watch a TV show I enjoy, hearing a favourite song, getting to be outside in the sun, finding a new body wash, enjoying a good meal, laughing at something funny I read online, having a relaxing bath, reading a good book, etc. It's too bad though that for me the happy moments are only ever just fleeting and never last for long or come too often and the good times in life are also always mixed with bad times too. Why can't the good times just be good  without having bad mixed in with it? Why is is so hard to just be able to enjoy life and be happy? My dog is my only real joy in life. I can't even imagine how so many people dump off their senior dogs at shelters either and "trade" them in for puppies. I love my dear old dog more than anything and I'll never  be able to let him go!!

Speaking of Buddy, yesterday he looked so sad all day and kept cuddling with me even more than usual too, so does he know something that I don't, like either he or I are dying perhaps and he was saying goodbye? I also had this baaad headache and even my left ear was sore on the inside but we also had a big low pressure system all across the province as well and rain(my head is a barometer!) and now most of the snow is gone and today is the first day of spring and I even saw a small white flower that looks like a crocus starting to pop up from the lawn! I also failed to realize(or to think ahead) that in the winter when I snubbed out my joints in the snow on the back porch that in the spring once all the snow melted that the butts would be left behind and that I'd have dozens of them all left behind on the porch I'd have to clean up later and today's also the last day we have to wear face diapers  as well unless,of course, they decide to bring the restrictions and mandates back  again at some point later, like in the fall or winter,and knowing them it really wouldn't surprise me, and now refusing to hate Russians is the new refusing to wear masks or to get vaccinated(but I've never gone along with the crowd anyway and I'm not about to start now) and it makes me laugh people saying how they'll "fight to free Ukraine" when they didn't even fight for their own freedom standing up against tyrannical COVID mandates, and I had a weird dream as well I was standing in this long line and I was naked( for some weird reason I often have dreams I'm naked in public but have no idea why) and a guy behind me tried to f*ck  me from behind and I turned around in a fury and smacked him and called him a pervert and he said I'm not a pervert; I'm just lonely and I told him I'm lonely,too. Say, how long are we going to have to wait here,anyway? Do you want to go for it? and we did, and it was ecstasy! Shocking(and so unlike me!) I know, but dreams are weird like that.

Ladybird,ladybird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children are gone.