Scared.

This morning again at 5:30 am and 7;30 am Buddy had more bleeds and the 7:30 am one was a fairly big one and he even had bubbles of blood coming out his nose and he hardly ate yesterday too and just slept all day and he looked so sad and his tail was down and I know deep in my heart he's dying; that he does have cancer and that it's terminal and he's in the final stages now and he could die any day now; maybe today, maybe tomorrow, but I don't want to admit  it because I can't face it andmaybe, just maybe if I don't think about it or say it then it won't happen ( wishful, "magical" thinking, I know, but it helps me cope and makes me feel better) but I can't lose him; he's the only light in my life and all I have. As long as I have him I have everything but without him I have nothing. I keep trying to convince myself that it's "just" his loose tooth but deep inside I know better; I know it's really actually the cancer that it's eating away at his nose and jaw and that's why most of his teeth have fallen out and what's causing the bleeding and that's also why he has that big deep sore on his face that won't heal. I've always known it but knowing something and actually accepting it are completely different things.To say that I would be distraught, despairing,desolate,and grief-stricken when he dies would be an understatement. I don't want him in pain though, so if he's suffering I want him to be set free, I just ask God that He takes me,too.

The construction guys also put the plastic pipes and the big cement cylinders in the deep trench yesterday and then filled it all in and now you'd never know that there ever was such a big cavern there in the road,and there's around 10 or so in the crew and I know it sounds weird but I actually think I'm going to miss them once they're gone,too, as I'm used to seeing them every day and I also wonder with the roads blocked off how firetrucks and ambulances can get by, and it was Al-Qaeda's "anniversary" yesterday as well so I wonder how they celebrated? A party? Bonfire? BBQ? A picnic? Fireworks?  I also heard NZ PM Ardern is worth some 25 MILLION$ and there's no way any world leader has that much $$$ legally and she's not the only one,either; people are more evil than we ever know, and the 27 YR old's looking for a second part-time job,too, as he doesn't even make enough now to afford food and they don't hire full-time because they don't want to have to pay benefits like paid sick time, vacation or dental benefits, pension,etc. so basically exploiting the workers who are wage-slaves, and it's sort of "funny" contemplating suicide,too; the thoughts that go thru your head; thinking if you're going to electrocute yourself, not using the flat-iron to do it because, well, you know, I did pay  200$ for it, so use something else instead that people hardly use or at least that costs less to replace.

Also: for all those that are so-called pro-choice:

THIS is what abortion really  is and what it really looks like.

No, it's NOT just a "lump of flesh."

It is a living, tiny, developing human being.

It has a beating heart and a nervous system that feels pain.

it is alive.

Abortion KILLS.

It is murder and it dismembers the baby, tearing it limb-to-limb. 

What did you think it was? Did you think the baby just floated away peacefully on a lilypad?

Sometime you need graphic real-life photos to wake yourself up and to see the truth, like with those photos of mangled car wrecks to show the real effects of drunk driving.

How can you see this and STILL think it's OK?

A person's a person, no matter how small.-Dr.Seuss