The Golliwog.

I was remembering my Golliwog the other day, like the one pictured here. Nowadays it's considered racist and now as an adult I can see why as it mimics the old Minstrels and is insulting to Black people but as a kid I didn't see it that way; it was just one of my dolls. My Babushka got it for me on one of her many travels and I added it to my abundant stuffed toy and doll collection and I loved it just like with all the others and it was no different than,say, my Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls; only they had red hair and the Golliwog was black. I remember I named him Golly and I also had a beautiful porcelain doll from China my aunt gave me for Christmas and the face was painted on with Oriental eyes and she wore a mint-green colour real silk dress and had the softest jet-black hair. That's just the way it was; some of my dolls were white,some were animals, some had red hair, some were Chinese, and some were Black. There was nothing racist about it.

 Recently in the Carribean I got a rag doll (shown below)of a Rastaman (yes, I still collect stuffed toys and dolls)and he has dreads(and obviously NOT racist since it was made by Black people!) and looks quite similar to my old Golliwog actually and it reminded me of him(esp. the hair,and being a rag doll) and brought back happy memories. I don't think in racist ways,anyway,and I never have,and I've always had friends of all races. I can still remember the story my mother always told people when I was 4-5 and my cousin's friend B (who was Black) used to ride me to school on the handlebars of his bike and one day I said to my mother, I want to marry B but I'm the 'wrong' colour. Everyone always thought it was just so cute; that I thought I was the 'wrong" colour, not him, but I think it's sad because even at that young age society had already somehow "told" me that people of different races couldn't marry, which, of course, is utter bullshit.

Every night for this past week I also visit my Babushka and my aunt, both dead, in my dreams, so I wonder if that means that I'm perhaps dying soon and they're "preparing" me, and I think I may have also finally figured out what my other recurring dream I move back to my old Toronto house (I lived in age 12-17)might mean(and in last night's version I finally got the keys): that was the house of all the many places I've lived that most felt like Home so maybe moving back there is symbolic of moving back Home, as in Heaven; that I'm dying, and I also have this other recurring dream I have no idea what it might mean: I keep missing a flight to Germany. Something always happens when I try to board but prevents me; my passport gets stolen, or I'm late, etc. I imagine it symbolizes that something always keeps holding me back from something, but what? Last night eating my chili I also somehow twisted my neck and got a painful 'crick" and it went down my shoulder and "travelled" down my left arm. I'm just sooo broken in every way.

I also cut my toenails last night and when I cut the left baby toe one it was bleeding( I've had trouble with that weird nail forever; it's flaky and peels and the nail often comes right off!) and it woke me up during the night so painful stinging and throbbing which seems excessive, I know, and now this morning I feel sweaty but also chilled and nauseated so maybe it somehow got infected, and if the 23 YR old (she lives in Ottawa)is prego like it makes me wonder(and she does live with  her BF so it's always a possibility) she might have her baby in the same hospital that she was born in herself which is kind of cool and it would also make my mother a great-grandmother, like my Babushka was when I had my kids, and next week her and the 26 YR old are also coming up to visit the second-oldest and the 19 YR old when they come up from BC to visit and on Friday all of them plus my hubby and the 15 YR old are all going up to Toronto for a week which also gives me a nice break too with it nice and quiet here and it'll be good for the 15 YR old to get away since he never really got a summer vacation since he still has to do his schoolwork he didn't finish from last year.

All an eagle wants to do is fly.-Lenny Kravitz