Autumn Butterflies.

Today's the last nice warm day( 18 C) and tomorrow dropping down to 11C and today I sat outside on the front veranda and watched the leaves fall (and also watched the workmen put in our new sidewalk(they also dug up a big hole in front of the dance studio across the street and got rid of the new Moonrays they just put in out front,too!) I'll post about tomorrow) and later on it started to get really windy, dark,and cold and it rained. The falling  leaves fluttering in the wind also look like butterflies and now most of the leaves are off the trees leaving them all bare and naked for the winter. I also am pretty sure I did accidently eat some bacon on my pizza a couple of days ago as I tasted it(even though I thought I picked it all off; some must have been hiding under the cheese) as my colon is really angry and hostile at me now and I feel like I'm being fileted; like a filet of fish and have this weird pain in my right leg,too, like a pinched nerve but also this tingling and numbness but along with a bad pain deep in my hip that I can't quite pin-point.

After 2 years of the Scamdemic not being able(or allowed!) to travel or to go anywhere or do anything I've also been able to save up quite a bit of $$$ and I think what I've decided I want to do is go to India and "find" myself, both spiritually and to find where I go from here; I used to define myself as a mother but now most of the kids are gone( and they all hate me and don't want me in their lives,anyway) who am I now? What purpose and meaning does my life have now? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? What's next? I've always been drawn to India and I love their culture, their food, their music,etc. and Buddy(who is so sweet he also lifts his head up to me for a kiss) is my only purpose in life and all I have now and once he dies there will be nothing left so where do I go from here? I need to find some direction, some purpose, some meaning, something to still hold on to, to keep me going, to live for, to give me purpose and meaning in life, to make life worthwhile, worth living, something to look forword to each day, something worth waking up each day to.I'll probably just end up dying of grief anyway though.

I've also been thinking alot lately remembering old times and a funny thing the 28 YR old made up when he was little, around age 5 was this funny "poem":

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Make a shit on the wall.

I also remember when I was in grade 7 there was this drunk girl in my class who was popular and my mother had these  fancy liquer-filled chocolates someone at work gave her for Christmas( she had a senior position at the hospital and her staff were always giving her Christmas gifts) and  so my friend J and I ate a bunch of them before school one day so our breath would smell of booze and then we went around breathing on everybody so they'd think we were drunk and then we'd be cool! 😂 The pharmacy also delivered 3 months' or so worth of insulin syringes to my mother.....but forgot the needles  and it took days for the doctor to even call in the order to the pharmacist and him and my mother kept calling eachother back and forth trying to figure it all out and she got sooo frustrated and pissed-off (Why do these things always happen to us?) and even threatened to Just quit the entire thing; the insulin, the injections; ALL OF IT!!!!!!

Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams? Yeah, who's gonna plug their ears when you scream?-The Cars