Happiness And Freedom.

I can still remember when I was a kid what always made me feel the most happy and the most free: riding bareback at camp and figure skating. They would only let the more experienced riders ride unaccompanied and I was luckily one of those(I went from age 6-12) and the best feeling ever was to ride bareback with only the reins and sometimes not even that but just holding on the horse's mane and to go galloping thru the field at break-neck speed and it felt to exhilarating  and fearless and I felt so free almost as if I could just pop right out of my body and fly away and it was just the best feeling in the world and when I figured skated it felt the same way; I would glide along and jump, spin and twirl and I felt so free, feeling the wind brush past my face, like I could just fly. Nothing in the world felt like that. Now I'm old and decrepit and broken down I do calmer pursuits to feel joy, such as sitting outside and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face or floating in water, which also brings me peace and calm.

I also found out just NOW that I was right: the 26 YR old is transitioning to male! I confronted my hubby and he admitted it and said she's even had the chest surgery and even my mother knew; as always everyone knew except me! They thought I'd be "mad" ( even though I don't even care; I'm just shocked as I didn't see it coming) but what I am mad, upset, and hurt about is that no one ever tells me anything and I'm an outsider in my own family, and this is big news so when I always ask my hubby if anything's "new with the kids" this is the sort of thing I mean, like does anyone have a new job? A new BF or GF?moving? getting married? prego? Changing gender? etc? I'm the mother for f*ck's sake and I'm always the last to know anything and even when I noticed things and was suspicious they still never said anything(not until I had to practically corner him and interrogate him) so I know I wasn't just imagining it, and growing up looking back she always was a tomboy that never played with dolls or liked to wear dresses and I can't remember her wearing make-up, and last year I did notice her voice sounded different and I mentioned it but she denied it. At the time I thought she had as cold but now I realize it was the hormones. I hate my family for keeping something this big from me. They always do things like this and this is exactly why I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in and feel like an outsider that doesn't belong.

Later today the 28 YR old and I are also going to have a smoke sesh where he smokes his Cuban cigar and I smoke weed. sort of a mother-son bonding moment, and he ended up having to pay  the 300$ duty/import fee taxes, etc. on the item he ordered and cancelled anyway as they had a NO cancellation/return policy and even if you DO cancel or return you still had to pay the duty/import fees and taxes even so, so basically the gov't is extorting him and I told him to fight it and just not pay but he won't, and he got Gucci shoes and scarf and my hubby never even heard of Gucci (what a peasant, ha,ha!) and I also heard my beloved Jamaica called a State of Emergency to try and curb the violence and it broke my heart; I guess it's like L.A; it's a nice place to visit but not to live and  you come for the beauty but you leave because of the violence and it hurts when your dreams are crushed and your illusions are shattered, and if I was Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and after being bullied by the other reindeer and then they decided that they needed me for the very nose that they bullied me for and asked for my help I'd tell them a great big F*ck YOU!!  Yesterday and today my lower left back hurts so much too it feels like someone tore the muscle right in half( not my usual back pain) and I can't bend down and it hurts if I move, and change position and only ok if I lay still on my tummy and I want to either cry, scream, or pass-out or all three and so bad even weed just takes the "edge" off.

You'll know the way I'm feeling When you love and you lose I guess I've got the Christmas blues-Dean Martin