I've Been Thinking...

I came across this old photo of the 19 YR old(isn't she just so beautiful?) and I the other day and it made me sad; I miss those days and when we used to be so close and when she used to love me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let her go.I'd like to think when you die and are in spirit form that you can time travel and go back to the past and keep re-living the happy times over and over again. I would go back and re-live her childhood, and the 70's and 80's of my own childhood and teen years, before life turned to shit.It also hurts to realize as well that everyone I have ever loved or cared about has eventually stopped loving me and abandoned me(except for Buddy) incl. 3 of my closest friends(N, J, and Patti) and even the child that once loved me the most, and even my fave. aunt and 2 older girl cousins; I last saw them when I was 13( we used to visit them every summer and Christmas) and then all of a sudden they cut us off with no explanation why and I never saw them again and it really hurt and confused me and to this day I still don't know why but my own parents don't love me, my father left when I was 2, my hubby hates me, my own kids hate me; all I have left in this world is my dog. Being autistic and bipolar is very lonely.

I still have the baaad back, abdomenal pain( I don't know what's worse) and that bad headache(and nauseated) and in case I'm getting a cold I'm also taking echinacea and I secretly( maybe not so secretly) pray to God to take me before Christmas too so I won't have to endure yet another Christmas with my family(but to give me strength for whatever lies ahead) who always make me feel unwanted , excluded, out of place, and an outcast, and the things that make me the most happy are God's creations as well; looking at the stars in the night sky, the sunrise, sunset, the snow coming down, snow sparkling in the moonlight,watching coloured autumn leaves fall, feeling the sun on my face, etc. and Hanukkah began yesterday as well and I was thinking Judaism may be the original true religion as well as both Islam and Christianity either borrowed or stole their Scriptures from the Jewish Torah/ Old Testament and then added more on, and even Jesus was a Jew( although they don't acknowledge Him and find Him irrelevent) but they don't encourage converts or generally accept them as true Jews for the most part (making them a more closed off insular group)so it would seem that the best form of worship is just between you and God, as it should be, in private, not involving other people with expectations, judging if you worship "correctly" or critical you don't do it the "right" way. Worship is for God but organized religion is man-made.

"Your greatest accomplishment each day is deciding not to commit suicide"- Albert Camus