Just Life.

All the snow from before had long melted away but yesterday we got more, around 4-5 cm and now it finally looks and feels like Christmas which is 2 weeks from yesterday!I was also out on the front veranda doing the garbage when 2 scruffy toothless guys drove up and asked me if I knew anything about houses to rent on the street and I told them I didn't and they were polite but something about them gave me a bad vibe and even for quite awhile after the bad energy still remained so I don't know if they were actually "casing" the place to rob, or what but my intuition is strong. I also made up Rudolph The F*cked-up Reindeer and Frosty The Snowman as Frosty The Con Man and instead of Have a Very Merry Christmas a Merry Merry Christmas my version goes, Have a Very hairy Christmas, a Hare Krishna Christmas, and Bad Santa is my fave. Christmas movie( and the name Therman Merman makes me laugh) and Friday is my hubby and mine's anniversary as well and it's been so long that I can't even keep track of or remember how long it's been but it's been since 1988 so I think it's been 34 years.....holy f*ck....has it really been that long? That can't be right......I'm really that old?.....but it must be since the oldest is 33......holy shit....I don't know where we're going to go for our anniversary dinner though; we normally go to the Indian place but it's just sooo expensive( like 100$!) and you don't get much food(and my mother also always complains that we don't bring anything back for her too even though there's nothing to bring back) and I'm still always hungry afterwards so we'll have to find somewhere else.

The 28 YR old also said his boss spends 100$ a day on gas driving to Toronto and back ( isn't that awful; it's so expensive!) and he had fun at the shooting range and did well and even brought back some shell casings and his targets as souvenirs and as for the 26 YR old changing gender he goes, It's gross either way and Who cares? and I'm still mad that they kept something this big from me and I asked my hubby too if they ever planned on telling me and he said not that he knows of, so did they plan on keeping it secret forever? Like they didn't think that sometime I'd eventually notice( like I did) on my own, like the moustache, for instance, or just hope that I wouldn't notice, but one good thing about my autism is I have very good observation and notice subtle things, changes, anything different or out of place, and he never was "girly" or "feminine" and they say  one out of 10 people are gay and I had 11 kids so I figured one of them might be gay but I always figured it would be the 19 YR old as she always wears sweatpants and never seemed interested in guys but I'd think trans is even rarer than gay but our family always seems to be that unusual statistic and rare exception. He shortened his first name to sound more masculine and dropped his 2 middle names, incl. the Maria which was named after my hubby's older sister who died at age 2, and now of course my mind also wanders thinking all these "twisted" thoughts and questions it really shouldn't be thinking but I'm curious about nevertheless(I just wonder how the "mechanics" work) but would never actually ask, such as I suppose he'll never have kids now, or at least not breastfeed(having had his boobs cut off, and I guess he had to pay for the surgery himself,too, being that it's cosmetic and not medically necessary, as say, it would be  covered with breast cancer) and does that mean now he's male that his BF uses a different hole when they do IT now,too?

A cousin in Europe has also had COVID (and been really sick!) for over 13 days now and she's had several vaccines whereas when I had it I only had it for 11 days without ever having one single vaccine so it just goes to show how "well" the vaccines actually "work" doesn't it( ha,ha!) and my mother's so gross as well she even somehow got shit on her pillowcase and Buddy kept waking up during the night really agitated last night as well and  it worries me; I can't lose him; he's the only love, happiness, light,and joy in my life. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let the 19 YR old go and he's all I have left now; I can't lose him,too, or I'll have nothing left. My back still hurts as well and I'm nauseated alot lately as well and with little appetite, signs of liver failure and I saw somewhere the bad back pain could also indicate pancreatic cancer. It will be interesting to see which organ "wins" and kills me first or if they all gang up and attack me all at once, sort of a team effort.

′′ I have chosen loneliness to defend myself. I protect myself from humanity around me, from this loud and intrusive humanity.-Brigitte Bardot