Today Stuff.

We got easily 15 cm of snow and the 28 YR old tried to go in to work today but he and his boss couldn't even get the trailer out of the boss' place; the snow was up to their knees and even with the snow blower there simply was too much and they didn't have the time and were buried in too deep and just had to call it a day. He still got paid luckily but he was sad becuase he really likes his job and was looking forward to going in after it being a really slow 2 months. I also got my lower abdomenal ultrasound and it was the same guy( luckily I didn't wear the same clothes as last time!) but he was ok this time so maybe last time he just had a bad day? They also had redneck sports playing on the TV in the waiting room so I just tried to ignore it by looking away and trying to focus on something else like something on the wall or people watching . Luckily he didn't do the trans-vaginal afterall,thank God, being a guy, and spent half the time focusing on the one same spot, the lower right corner, where the appendix and right ovary are, so I'm thinking hopefully he might have found something and I'll finally know what's causing the pain! He also pressed extra hard on that spot as well, as if to get a clearer image. So is my appendix inflamed and/or rupturing(or about to) or do I have a cyst or tumour or something and he also asked how long ago I was diagnosed with diverticulitis...

Check out the funny-looking pasta I cooked as well; I think it looks like a bunch of false fingernails I put a nice creamy Alfredo sauce on and the cake my hubby got was really hard and stale too and last night I saw a brown rabbit out the backyard again but not the same one as before as that one was big and fat and this one was smaller and thin and so I tossed it a piece of the chocolate cake and it ate it so I guess rabbits like chocolate cake too, but I mean, who doesn't, and today my abdomenal and back pain are really bad and I also feel sort of "spacey" in my head,too, sort of "floaty" and sooo tired like jet-lag -tired and feel like I fall asleep at any moment and yesterday was so weird it felt like time was moving in slow-motion all day and 2 hours felt like 8 hours to pass by.

A pet-peeve of mine as well: I always end up the one that has to re-fill the milk bag: someone always finishes it and leaves the empty one in the fridge and I go to use it and it's empty and I re-fill it because I'm conscientious like that( and yes, I don't know how to spell that word and had to check and even Google hesitated and spelled it slowly; it was hard for it,too; English is a hard language!); the last one to use it and empties it should be the one to re-fill it just like the toilet papaer roll; don't put it back in the fridge empty! It amuses me as well Americans are puzzled we have milk in bags. We also have it in jugs and cartons too, just like normal people.

My heart's like an open book For the whole world to read Sometime nothing keeps me together at the seams.-Motley Crue

 

Today's Thought.

 

Tokin' Tuesday.

Life is better elevated. -Peter Ruzicka

 

Life In The Darkness.

I got this off Quora:

Brian Baggett

Sufferer of depression, social anxiety, and PTSD5y

How do mentally ill people view people without mental illnesses?

To be honest, I view them as kind of… gifted.

You ask a neurotypical what would make for a good day and they’ll answer with fanciful things like going out on a hike with friends, or sitting down with a movie and having their favorite meal, or winning the lottery and getting a smoking hot date while they’re out cashing in their rewards. If you ask me the same question, my immediate answer would be “not contemplating suicide for a full 24 hours.”

Neurotypicals might wake up and moan about Monday, knowing they’re going to have to go back to work and that they’re going to have a bad day because of it. People like me might wake up, immediately know that it’s going to be a bad mental health day, and won’t have the energy to get out of bed unless there’s something compelling them to do so. If we have to get up and go to work that day, we spend our day in a miserable haze in which you feel like your brain is made out of cold, month-old pea soup that’s starting to develop some cloudy layers at the bottom. Imagine the flu with no physical symptoms - just generally feeling like crap. Some of us even get bodily aches from our own terrible mental states. Amazing how that works.

You ask a neurotypical to make plans and they’ll consult their schedule first. A mentally ill person will most likely wonder whether or not that day will be a good mental health day, whether or not there are any foreseeable events the day before that could negatively affect them. Mix that with a tight work schedule and you’ll probably get a more polite, socially acceptable way of saying “no, I’m not sure I’ll be sane enough to do that,” because if there’s anything someone with a mental illness learns, it’s that honesty about our conditions are not socially acceptable.

The best example is Ajas Mohamed’s answer. We work hard to feel okay. To a neurotypical, feeling okay isn’t good enough. You have to be good, or else you’re somehow lacking. To me, feeling good is a triumph. Feeling good is a fleeting thing that might last an hour or two at a time, maybe come around once or twice a week if I’m lucky. If I have a day in which I don’t have a minor suicidal episode, then that’s a day I can call good. And if I do something interesting that day? Amazing! Hope I won’t be too burnt out by the end, though, because then I won’t have the energy to shove away horrible thoughts before I fall asleep. I’ve had wonderful days filled with joy, only to come home and stare at the dark ceiling because I need to distract myself from what my mind comes up with.

To be honest, people without mental illnesses can seem a bit sheltered. Most of them probably don’t know what it’s like to be a slave to your own cruel, abnormal, malfunctioning mind. Once you go through that, you just don’t quite look at the world the same way.

 

Good Song For Me.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON by Queen:

Empty spaces
What are we living for?
Abandoned places
I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero
Another mindless crime
Behind the curtain
In the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on

Whatever happens
I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?

I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning
'Round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah, yeah
Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die
I can fly, my friends

The show must go on, yeah
The show must go on

I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show

I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show must go on.

 

Quick Update.

Just a quick update, not too much going on but I get my lower abdomenal ultrasound tomorrow and I hope it's my appendix or something causing my pain that they can just remove and then I'm done with it and not just my diverticulitis because they can't do anything for that and I'm just stuck with it. Today my abdomenal and back pain is really bad and my left arm even hurts too and I also have this feeling of impending doom as well as this feeling that everything is coming to an end and a close so maybe I really am dying soon? I'm honestly ok with that though and I'm ready; I have been for a long time. Buddy also sneezed and blood and a clot came out either from his nose or mouth and  every time I don't do my mother's work for her or don't do anything she says or tells me to do she sarcastically snarls as well, Thanks for helping!  she's soooo manipulative, and every time my hubby does anything at all for me he sneers, You should be grateful! because everything always comes with conditions with him,and I had kids too hoping to create my own people that would love me but that didn't even work as they don't love me,either, only my dog does,and having kids just ruined everything; it ruined my body, it ruined my relationships with my hubby and with my mother( as she over-steps boundaries) it ruined my life and it ruined me. I also heard gunshots outside again last night too and it feels like I'm living in da Hood.

If I was a bird I'd be a phoenix because it’s the bird that flames out and rises from the ashes to fly again.