It happened a lot in my teens. I had absolutely zero friends. My latest “best friend” of seven years admitted to my face that she’d been faking being interested in what I had to say. She was the second, but sadly not the last.
I was told by nearly everyone I asked that I was too rude, too distant, too proud, too self-imposing. So I decided to absorb feeling back.
So I’m imprudent? The less I speak the less of a chance I’ll get to mess up socially. And it worked.
So I’m distant? I’ll insert myself in the background of everything, hoping to one day become a commonplace object in a conversation at best. And it worked.
So I’m too proud? Very well then. Goodbye, Shakespeare. Goodbye, philosophy. Goodbye dinosaurs, and space, and ancient Egypt, and 500-page books, and genetics. I will never speak of you to anyone my age again. Even though I love you. And it worked.
So I’m self-imposing? Okay. I’ll let others go first. I’ll let others go first in everything until there are no turns left for me. I will swallow my urge to continue your conversation because I feel like I’m going to exceed that 30% of conversation I’m allowed to have. And it worked.
I became acceptable. I became polite. I became quiet. I became wise. I became fun. I thought I already was all those things. So why did changing my uncomfortable parts drain me so hard?
It’s because feeling bad became a constant betrayal. I saw the betrayal working for my social life, but not for my emotions. So if any autistic or even typical is out there is feeling bad about what makes people uncomfortable with you, don’t do what I did. Find healthy ways to tone it down, but don’t fully hide it. After all, it’s what makes you a little more unique.
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