Rescue Me.

I keep having this dream I stop off at the petstore in the Carlingwood mall in Ottawa( the petstore that as far as I know is no longer even there but used to be and one time I got one of my Pugs there for 850$ , the one that my hubby sold behind my back when I was out of the country on vacation) to look for a dog after Buddy dies as I still need a companion even though no one will ever 'replace" him and I want a Chihuahua next, like I had( and bred) growing up. I'm thinking a rescue Chihuahua would be nice, either from a store like PetSmart or  a rescue agency or the Humane Society but the more I look into it the more impossible it seems; there's just so many "hoops" to jump thru( and I don't jump thru hoops) to adopt rescues(and they still don't cost much less than from a breeder) and it's just so invasive all the questions, the applications, even a home visit; it's as hard, ardous, and intrusive as trying to adopt a kid and I never do well in trying to compete or qualify or "pass" or meet others' expectations and wouldn't "qualify" or be "good" enough for one reason or another, plus then I'd also have to get a dog license and be stuck with that every year so I think the best bet is to just get one from a breeder from the newspaper or off Kijiji (where I've got dogs before) or something as it's more private, not invasive, you don't have to "compete" or "qualify" and you just get the dog and go without being "beholden" to them in any way ,being "monitored", and are just free to get on with your life without intrusion. I feel guilty even thinking about it, like I'm being "disloyal" to Buddy but at the same time I'm also just being practical and thinking ahead since he is 17 and the thought is never too far from my mind and if I want to survive I know I'll still  need someone to look after, to need me, to dote on, to give my life joy, purpose and meaning, to love me, and for me to love.

I also mentioned how I want to die on the beach in Jamaica, sitting under a palm tree, watching the sun set, smoking weed listening to Reggae, and my mother said, Why don't you just go back there then and set it all up and drink poison?

 I can't believe she said that.

My own mother.

There are no words.

Yesterday Buddy also got up out of his bed after a nappetizer, stood up, and just peed on the carpet, and I don't even think he was even aware what he was doing, and my mother watched the Academy Awards last night and I haven't seen them since the 80's, back when they used to dress glamorously; I used to watch just to see the pretty dresses but now they dress ugly or even half-naked and this year a movie won for Best Picture something I've never even heard of, called something like Everything Everywhere All The Time(or something like that) and I have a tradition of always watching the winner to see what the big fuss is all about and the radio DJ said he saw it and it sucked, and when I listen to my Reggae and my hubby comes into the room he turns it off and calls it "garbage" and I tell him that he just doesn't have good taste in music and the garbage is the crap he listens to and I wish I could live on my own and be able to just listen to what I want without anyone ruining it! My mother also took the 28 YR old's special Dungeon & Dragons mug ( that was a gift) without even asking and she's not supposed to take other people's stuff as she's clumsy and breaks things but she just takes what she wants and thinks because she's old she's "entitled" to do whatever she wants.

My hubby also mentioned how I have over 6K saved in my account but what he doesn't know is I've been saving up for years, squirreling $$$ away for the inevitable in 2 more years once the youngest turns 18 and my hubby will eventually leave and I'll be on my own and will need $$$ for whatever the future brings although I hope I'll be dead by then and won't even have to worry and the kids can get the $$$ and I'm scared to ask him too why he hasn't sexed me in 16 years,too; scared to hear the answer, not being able to take any more rejection or face being told I'm too ugly and fat, etc. I've always been ugly but before at least I didn't used to be fat and old even though he's no "prize" himself, either, and he's balding and gained alot of weight since we first met as well. Maybe he also has a mistress, or he's gay, or he just can't get it up?

Sometimes it's just you and the music that keeps you going.