Results.

My doctor called yesterday( just as soon as my show came on TV so I missed the first 10 minutes of it; it figures with my "luck." of all the times he could have called) and he said the ultrasound results didn't find anything to explain my abdomenal pain and they couldn't even find my left ovary( the one that has the cyst on it) so I'm wondering if maybe it might have even ruptured and it's obliterated now and that's why it's no longer visible? He said maybe it's just "hiding" behind bowel or something but I do also clearly remember not too long ago horrific blinding pain on the left side that felt like something was being torn in half and I could hardly even walk for about a week and every time I even moved or changed position it was sheer agony, so maybe that's what it was, or else just my diverticulitis, which there's no cure, and I told him if they can't find anything and cure it then sign me up for the medically-assisted suicide (since I keep screwing it up when I try it myself)because after some 10 years or so of chronic daily pain I've had enough. He was like Oh-wow but said I hear you and was sympathetic and understanding and said he'll book a CT scan(which is more in-depth and detailed) of the abdomen and pelvis to try and get down to it and find the cause of my pain. I don't want him to think I'm just making it up(the pain is very real!) or a drug-seeker( and I never aksed for pain medication; I just want a cure, like to have them surgically remove whatever's causing the problem to end the pain, not "mask" it) and when I mentioned the medically-assisted suicide my hubby actually laughed.

I also hope I do die within the next 2 years though as my income(I get for having kids under 18) ends once the youngest( who turns 16 later this month) turns 18 and I'll no longer have any income or any $$$$ at all, not to pay bills, to buy my weed, to buy any of my needs( shampoo, deoderant, etc.) nothing, and even now my mother complains I can only pay for part of the bills( they've been 100-200$ more than my monthly income, and I have to give my entire monthly income towards bills so I have nothing left over for my own expenses) and then I'll have nothing to contribute and I fear she'll kick me out onto the street and I'll end up homeless if I can no longer contribute anything financially so my hubby( who now still just contributes the same amount financially that I do even though he has a job!) will have to step up in a big way and cover the rest, just like he'll have to when my mother( who covers most of the expenses) dies. All in all, between chronic daily pain, running out of $$$, a toxic family that hates me  and abuses me and will be better off without me,and knowing that Buddy(the only love and joy in my life) is ending his lifespan soon  and no hope for the future there's no reason for me to keep holding on.

My friend I( from grade 8) and her hubby( they've been married ever since she was 19!) are on a cruise to Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Mexico, Cayman Islands, etc. and this morning I also saw what I thought were mice turds in the bath tub but ended up to actually just be fennel seeds from my body scrub and I kept getting updates in my newsfeed as well about people I've never even heard of, like Tom Sandoval, Glen Powell, Mike Epps, Ice Spice, etc. so either  they're NOT as "famous" as they think they are or I'm old, out-of-touch, not "hip", or just don't give a shit about so-called celebs.It's funny as well how wearing glasses makes one look smart yet wearing a cowboy hat makes one look like a dumb redneck.

Committing suicide is the hardest decision and action to take as we are all hardwired to cling to life at all costs.-Jason Cuna