Autistic Me.

My toxic family hates me and blames me for being who I am, simply for being autistic and bipolar and for behaving and acting the way I do even though it's just the way I'm hardwired. I don't have the same reactions the way other people do because of it and I'm always getting scolded, put-down, told off, admonished, abused, demeaned, dismissed,belittled, invalidated,berated, etc. because of it. They fail to realize that I can't help it; that it's just the way I'm made and if I had any choice I'd be different and change it and that I don't like being excluded, outcast,blamed, never good enough,bullied, etc. and despite my best efforts and no matter how hard I try it still never makes any difference; I still keep screwing up, they still blame me and hate me, I'm still an outcast, still unliked, unwanted, a burden, annoying,left out, etc, even in my own home and with my own family and it really hurts and after decades of such abuse I've just been beaten down and discouraged so much that there's simply nothing left of me anymore and my spirit has been broken. I have nothing left to give anymore.

There are many examples but a few are when it's time for me to go to bed as I'm tired I don't feel the need to have to "announce" my departure to everyone(I'm not a departing flight) and say goodnight(not that anyone cares,anyway); I simply quietly slip away and go upstairs to bed and even if I did I know they would just yell at me to shut up and stop yakking and stop bothering them. I also put my own stuff away on grocery day(as I don't expect other people to do it for me, unlike my mother who thinks other people are her servants) in the cupboard ,fridge, freezer, etc. but then my hubby snarks that I'm "selfish and lazy" because I also don't put away everything; all the groceries for everyone while I'm at it, even though putting away groceries is  the 16 YR old's chore( and of all the kids he has the least chores of anyone and if my mother had her way he wouldn't do any work at all because she pampers him!) and I put my own clothes away from the dryer when the laundry's done and expect everyone else to do the same( plus I don't know what belongs to who anyway) and he expects that I should do it all  and he says I'm "just thinking about myself" when actually I'm just doing my own work and NOT expecting someone else to do it for me but at the same time I'm also not picking up the "slack" for everyone else,either; it's just a different way of thinking, plus no one else ever looks out for me so I have to.I also can't force myself to feign interest in their interests no matter how hard I try as I just can't force myself to care about anime, martial arts, super heroes, etc. yet at the same time they make no effort to show interest in what I like,either, so there's no difference.

Another thing that "gets" me,too, is that both my hubby and mother also have "issues" as well yet it's only mine and me that anyone ever has any problems with; they never hassle them for theirs and she has OCD, is a narcissist, a control freak, a hoarder, and has signs of autism as well, and he has OCD, is anal-retentive, a narcissist, a perfectionist, definite autism, Tourette's, and Multiple Personalities on top of that yet they never get blamed or hated for what they are; it's just only me and I don't think that's fair, esp. since we all have our issues and none of us can helpt it so why is it that just I'm singled-out? Unlike my mother( who thinks she's "perfect") at least I admit mine though and I do really try and do better( but how can you really change what you ultimately are though?)but no matter what I'm always just misunderstood and taken the wrong way when really I actually mean no offence and I have good intentions and they even go as far as to tell me I'm useless and to go kill myself and sometimes I even actually think that's the end goal: to drive me to suicide and I think one day they will succeed.

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings.-Tom Petty