Regrets.

Most of my regrets in life are not things that I've done but rather things that I haven't done and chances and opportunities that I might have had but that I didn't take or things that I've lost, such as friendships and I regret leaving my old house in Toronto and moving to L.A as it ended up a failure and a disaster and as it would turn out that house in Toronto would end up being out of all the 13 or so(so many moves I've lost count) places I've lived that one was the most that felt like Home and my "sanctuary" and that I miss the most and still dream about. I still wonder what my life would be like and would have turned out differently if I had only stayed and I also wished I had stayed and graduated my final year of highschool with my friends. Moving to Ottawa was also part regret(because my enemy was there forcing us to flee in the night like the Israelites fleeing the Egyptians) which was a trauma so deep I was never able to recover from and changed me forever...yet at the same time it was also in Ottawa at the YMCA group that for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged and fit in and was accepted; I had found my Tribe, my People, and made the best friends I had ever had in my life(and then was shattered to have to leave them all behind when we fled and never look back) but one of my biggest regrets was a possible lost opportunity I didn't take simply because I was afraid; I was too scared to take the chance:

 I was hanging out with my friend G (the hot one that looked like James Dean and had the motorcycle) who I was really really attracted to but he just liked me as a friend and one time it was late so I just stayed over at his place(in the guest room) and I had the thought and the urge to take off my clothes and quietly go  into his room and slip in beside him in bed telling him I was lonely all by myself and see how he responded...hoping that night to lose my virginity to him...but I was afraid; afraid  he would reject me (plus, I didn't want him to wrongly think that I was 'easy")and I'd be beyond humiliated and also because I was a virgin and didn't know what to expect if he did respond(and I'd always been told about how much it hurt the first time) and also because I had been molested as a kid and the thought of it just terrified me so I never did but I've always regretted it because if I had ; if I had the courage and he did  accept at least I would have lost my virginity to a guy I was wildly attracted to and I would have known passion and the timing would have been just so that I would never have gotten with my hubby (who I met just after) as I still would have been with him or just following a break up with him, either way, not available, and it would have saved me a lifetime of trauma, misery, and regret and would have changed the entire course of my life. That one decision changed everything and if I had only NOT been afraid and gone thru with it and gathered up enough courage to have gone thru with it (and he responded) my life would be totally different today. That's my biggest regret. If only I wasn't so afraid.If only I could go back in time I'd re-do everything. I wish I had gone into his room that night.

As well, today child # 6 turns 27 and the 28 YR old came home really early from work this morning as his boss called in sick saying he hurt his ankle and it must really be bad( like bone sticking out of the skin bad) as he's one tough old buzzard and nothing stops him from working thru sickness and pain, and I saw an obituary yesterday and instead of saying "date of birth" and "date of death" they worded it as "sunrise" and "sunset" and I really like that, and now being LGBT is cool and trendy so maybe one day being on the autism spectrum will also be cool and trendy,too, so then I'll have my chance to finally be cool,too! I also bent down and heard a crack but couldn't tell if it was my knees or my back, and for days my back, abdomenal and stomach pain is soooo bad I don't know which is worse and as well as abdomenal pain I also have bad cramps as well and my stomach feels like it got kicked by a horse and my spine feels like it's being snapped in half and I also have bad diarrhrea, and Buddy has a hemmoroid and keeps rubbing his ass along the carpet!

I never received my invitation to King Charles coronation  yet either so it must have got lost in the mail so I guess I'll just have to watch it on the news like everyone else. and this shithole is sending $$$ to fund the war in Ukraine yet instead should be spending the $$$ on shelters here for the homeless and foodbanks, and my hubby is also the only person I've ever met that doesn't like Queen and that should have been a Red Flag  in the beginning and also meeting him is one of my biggest regrets.

If you ban books, you ban knowledge.- Eelco Ligtvoet