Outcast.

The 23 YR(she turns 24 later this month) old mentioned on her podcast yesterday about how getting outside in the fresh air and sun and enjoying nature always elevates your mood and makes you feel better exactly like I say and of all the kids she's the most like me and "inherited" the most from me,too; migraines( sorry about that,kid) loving the colour purple, lilacs, reading, writing, art, and bath-bombs, the only difference is she's pretty(I seriously don't know how that happened) and I'm ugly and she likes redneck country music( which she obviously got from my hubby; that's the one so-called "music" I just can't stand,and so much so I've even been known to leave an establishment and walk out if they're playing it; it makes my ears bleed) and she also mentioned on the podcast how my mother is obsessed with BBQ's and the weird thing is I noticed that she's often mentioned my hubby, her siblings,and even my mother on her podcasts but she's never mentioned me, not even once, and it's as if I don't even exist, like she doesn't even have a mother, like I'm not even a part of the family, like I don't belong, and it hurts that I'm always excluded, never incl., an outcast and esp. when I don't even know what I did wrong Everything I did was to protect the kids and keep them safe and to raise them godly and I did my best but as always even my best is never good enough and I failed at that,too. Today is also the second-youngest's birthday and she's 20 and she's sullen and moody, unlike her BFF and sister( who turns 22 next month) who is ditzy but cheery, and I was always a really good mother to her, I know I was, and we used to be really close but even she hates me now,too,and her birthday used to be really close to Mother's Day, the day of or the day before or after but for some reason this year it's several days before.

I also did this photo which actually isn't half-bad and not as ugly as usual so here you go. and the pulsating vein(most likely an artery though as they pulsate, not veins) in my neck yesterday was so weird,too; it didn't hurt but felt like Mexican Jumping beans hopping around and I Googled what may cause it and it said heart conditions or possible aortic dissection or aneurysm, and now it's "officially" warm season as I'm going around barefoot again and with painted toenails and I'm the "good" kind of tired now too you get from fresh air and sunshine from spending the day outside, and tonight my mother and I are also going to our fave. Italian place for our early Mother's Day dinner, and my hubby also gave the 16 YR old 100$ for his trip to Niagara Falls with his friend, not knowing my mother also did(and of course he never said he already had $$) and he's not camping like I was told, but doing the usual tourist thing.

I also saw this yesterday and I laughed so hard I was just crying and screaming with laughter and tears were running down my face; it was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time and last night I had these realistic and scary nightmares as well I can't remember what they were but they were scary enough to keep waking me up during the night and the other night I had a dream I was looking down at really nice tanned arms(like a Hawaiian) and saying,She has a really nice tan! admiring it and then realling that it was my arms; that it was me, and that I had died and was in a new body and then I was thinking, I hope I'm pretty this time around,too,or at least not ugly like last time and yesterday my mother also left the dish of my Epic meatball Stew out on the counter after she'd taken her serving as well instead of putting it back in the fridge and it pisses me off she always does that; she never cleans up after herself or puts stuff back and always expects other people to clean up after her, and she always leaves her dishes, plates, utensils, etc. all over too and I mean, how hard is it to just put them in the sink or dishwasher when you're done, and I swear she is the laziest person I've ever met( and they say that I'm the lazy one?) and on the May long weekend my hubby and the 16 YR old are also going to an anime convention and I kissed Buddy on the side of his face and he yelped and I felt so bad; it must have hurt his sore tooth, and maybe that's how it was with the kids,too; does my love actually hurt?

Life, life without music I can't go Life, life without music.-Steel Pulse