It feels awful. I hope that reading some of my experiences will make people a little more compassionate.
I have no control over my face. I have small eyes, one is even smaller than the other, and they aren’t level, one is higher than the other. People say stupid things to me like “why are your eyes like that?” as if I went in a room and picked my eyes out. I used to have very bad teeth, lots of spaces and uneven, and the kids in school would draw me as a Halloween pumpkin, complete with funny eyes and funny teeth, then wave the pictures in my face. Yes, I fixed them, it doesn’t help my overall appearance.
I’ve considered plastic surgery, but there is nothing that can be done, it’s not like I have some huge nose that could be fixed and turn me into a swan. I have a very wide face and a large jaw but a tiny mouth. I used to keep myself thin, dress well, do my hair, wear makeup, do my nails, put on jewelry, nothing helps. My face is ugly. I read about people talking about how hurt they were for being teased about being fat or being poor, but at least someone fat can lose weight and someone poor can get a job.
Because I have a nice figure, sometimes I’ll see guys looking at me, then they see my face and sneer or run off as if I am in danger of coming over. I would go to dances, and not only would no one dance with me, I would get heckled for coming “as if anyone would dance with a dog like me.” So I stopped going to dances. You get bullied a lot when you are ugly. Whenever you get into an altercation with someone, they’ll play that card. Sometimes you don’t need to be in an altercation. People will tell you for laughs, and they get them.
I told myself that not everyone can be gorgeous, there are ugly guys too, and I tried to get them interested in me, but ugly guys still want pretty girls. I have never been married or had children, and yes it breaks my heart. I tried to cultivate my personality, show interest in others, volunteer, be nice, they don’t care. I go out with female friends and watch them get hit on right in front of me and I want to die.
Once in high school one of the popular guys decided to play a hilarious trick on me. He was tall, handsome, smart, had his own band, was a star athlete. He broke up with his gorgeous popular cheerleader gf and began to chat me up in class. Then he told me I was so much nicer than his old gf, and he was glad he got to know me. He asked me to the Senior Skate, a tradition at my school. I was over the moon; finally, someone was giving me a chance.
Well when we got to the restaurant for dinner before the skating, he saw some of his friends and said we would sit with them. I wanted to sit just the two of us, this was not the romantic evening I envisioned, but he went and sat so I joined him. He ordered all kinds of stuff, then, roaring with laughter, put his hand dramatically on his pocket and claimed he had forgotten his wallet. All the better of a trick surrounded by witnesses. I paid. Then we went to the rink and he basically dumped me. I skated by myself for hours. He came over twice, to grab me by the arm and fling me. I think his intention was to send me sprawling and humiliate me more, but I was an experienced skater and it didn’t work. He did drive me home, refused to kiss me, but said he would pick me up Friday for a movie. He did not show and I did not expect him to. People ask me why I didn’t call my parents to come get me, I was too ashamed for them to know what was going on. When I went into school the next day, I got heckled by the popular girls about the so-called date. Funny, funny. Somehow he got ahold of my yearbook, and he wrote about our “date” in it so I would always be able to see it and be embarrassed over and over. Good thing I never had kids, I would not be able to show it to them.
I used to volunteer at a school. One of the little girls called me “Mrs” and I explained I was a “miss”. She looked at me confused, all the adults she knew were probably married. So she says “why aren’t you married? Is it because you’re not pretty?” Thanks kid.
I thought this would be cathartic but it’s just upsetting and I am crying. I did not choose to look this way. I am a human being and I do not deserve to be judged and mocked because I do. I can’t get away from either my face or my treatment. Both are always there.
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