Nothing Yet.

My doctor still  hasn't called me yet with my CT scan results even though he was supposed to call Tuesday or Wednesday  (did he forget? Is he on vacation?)and I eagerly waited nervously for 2 days for the call and I even stayed indoors all day yesterday by the phone( plus it was also too hot to go outside; it was 32 C but felt like 40 C with a heat warning so I just went out to let Buddy out but not to actually sit outside and tomorrow the humidity is supposed to drop and just be a normal temp of 27 C) all for nothing ( it figures!) and I'm so tired that nothing ever WORKS for me (and that people never do what they say they will! ) I hope for sure he calls today, esp. since he's not in the office on Fridays. My hubby also taunts me how am I going to handle the heat in India if I think it's hot here but I have been to really hot places before,asshole, like Egypt, Morocco, Tunisia, etc. and besides, now I don't have to go outside unnecessarily, and he's never even left the continent so he can just shut the f*ck up! Hopefully on that trip I can also reclaim a part of my soul and find spiritual fulfillment, or at the very least get a much-needed break from my life.

Yesterday the hospital called and booked a Family Meeting  for today and I got all anxious and stressed afraid they'd be discharging my mother and she'd be back here and I know I'll be suicidal again if that happens as I can't go back to the way it was, but then they called back again later and said to cancel it as they were  still running more tests (blood and urine) first to assess and then go from there and they'd call me back to re-book and when I was talking to her she said she'd said she was "really sad and lonely" lately and asked them if she could "go home for a week" and they'd told her no; that it was "too much" on us and my hubby sent the kids a photo of her as well and they said she looks "so old and sad" too and it's just been recently that she suddenly looks so old and quickly deteriorated and I hope they just send her directly from the hospital to LTC, which would be best for everyone.I told her I'm also coming to visit her later today.

Since yesterday was a stay inside day I also watched the new Indiana Jones movie which was good( of course) and my fave. scene was when Indy rode the horse thru the parade and in the subway station and down onto the tracks and at first I thought the movie was in German too but it was ok because luckily I speak German and there was a line where his Goddaughter Helena said to him, You belong here and he replied, For who? and I could really relate to that; that's exactly how I feel,too; other than Buddy( and once he's gone there's no one) who am I here for? There's nobody, nothing, keeping me here, and on the radio they said there's a syphillis outbreak in town,too, now 17 cases( usually only 5 in a year!) so people are whoring around even more than usual and maybe that's even why my hubby doesn't do IT  with me; maybe he caught it from his mistress and if I got it from him then I'd know he's been cheating and he got it from elsewhere because I've never been with anyone else!Who knows?

My mother also complained to me that they got her up 'early" at 8:30 am and made her sit  up in the chair "for hours" etc. hoping for some sympathy but didn't get it; I said Good for them! but she also said they gave her a shower and washed her hair,too( instead of the usual sponge-bath in bed) and admitted that it felt soooo good and the 16 YR old threatened me that if I sing out loud he'll "throw Buddy out" and I told him if he does anything to him that will be the last thing that he ever does; I brought him into this world and I can also take him out of it, and I thought that last summer would be my last summer with Buddy too but thankfully it wasn't and God blessed us with more time but I bet this summer will be(probably mine,too) and I'm pretty sure that last Christmas was my mother's last though...and most likely Buddy's and mine,too.

I'm neither brave enough or coward enough so I continue on.-Scott Jullian