The Seminary.

Yesterday my hubby and I visited my mother and she's still delusional(I'm pretty sure she has Alzheimers) and now she said there's a place (I presume on the Other Side?) called The Seminary  where you go  decide if you want to die or not and they play Beatles music and you get to request a song and she said she's not sure what song to request but she wants it to be a "happy song" (I would pick Yesterday) and that the Beatles get 7 cents royalties for each song and I was just dumbfounded and like, Uh...ok.... but who am I to say? Maybe there really is such a place; maybe it really does exist and she's  dying and has seen a "sneak peek" of it, who knows? She also said that when I go to the Ethnic Festival next weekend that the 28 YR old has to "push me in the wheelchair( not her, but me, getting us mixed-up?) because it's too much walking" and now she's changed her mind and doesn't want to go to LTC afterall, and that it's Grandma who's going instead and when I asked "Who's Grandma?" she said Babushka...my grandmother, who died over 20 years ago! It's good I have Power Of Attorney. She's lost her mind and it's really unsettling for me too to see her like that; laying in the bed so helpless, lost, disoriented, delusional, feeble, weak, and helpless, not her usual self,and she told us to leave just after 30 minutes too as she "wanted to sleep." Last night I was also woken up in the middle of the night with baaaad heart-burn; a deep burning in my chest and "lump" in my throat and today my ears hurt and I feel really dizzy,sweaty, and have baaad stomach and abdomenal pain as well.

I really long for the past, for the way things used to be, for happier, better times, even more so now than ever, esp. now with my mother deteriorating and most likely dying, and with Buddy also so old; I miss when he was young and vibrant  and full of energy and used to race around the house and follow me around everywhere; now all he does is just sleep( just like my mother) and I miss when the kids were younger too and they used to still love me and I had purpose,direction, and meaning in my life, but now there's simply nothing left anymore and no joy and nothing left to look forward to; no future, and no hope, no more dreams, no anything.It's all already been done and over with now; it's all gone  and done and over with. When I die my hubby at least will be happy and will finally be able to sell the house like he's always wanted and also to have a pool table in the livingroom and play pickleball in the house and have those gaudy tacky Christmas lawn inflatables he's always wanted. I wish I was a bird too so I could fly and be able to shit on people,. and apparantly UFO's have been seen frequently in Las Vegas as well, so are they attracted by all the lights maybe, or they just like to gamble, or maybe they just came for the shows or the buffets?

Once we leave behind this plane, this realm, we “drop all of our props, leave behind our costume” and return home.-Richard Martini