Smackdown.

This is the baby toe on my left foot. It hasn't had the nail on it for at least a year now(just skin underneath) and yesterday( since the nailpolish came off; it's usually covered up with nailpolish so I don't see it) I also noticed it has this dry crusty red lesion or whatever-the-hell-it-is on it and the toe itself has felt numb for the longest time now,too, as in no feeling at all(I just figured it was from always stubbing it all the time), and I just wondered: is it cancer? maybe I have melanoma under the toenail just like Bob Marley did? My baby toe and the one next to it on both feet have always been deformed, crooked, gnarly and what my hubby calls "retarded" my whole life, a defect inherited from my mother's side and that we all have and that I unfortunately passed down to all my kids as well( but did come in handy once when the oldest told the 28 YR old when he was little that he was "adopted" and I "just found him on the street" and he came running crying to me and to convince him that he wasn't I showed him that he had the same crooked toes I do to reassure him he was mine) so they were "wonky" to begin with so cell mitosis isn't too far of a stretch of the imagination, so now it really makes me wonder, esp. with all my other symptoms and the location keeps it well hidden, so could this be the primary source all along? I admit I've spent my life out in the sun but of all places to get melanoma though; not even on my skin but under my toenail? My left leg is also much more swollen than the right and often feels like a pinched nerve and like I have to "crack" it as well and it's the one that has the lump on the thigh,too.

Yesterday while I was outside(before the rain) the hospital also called and left a message on the machine telling me that there was an "incident" with my mother and I was worried and panicked thinking that she'd died or fell and had a head injury or God-knows-what so I called them back and the nurse said the night before her crazy-ass trailer trash  knuckle-dragging room-mate had assaulted (what IS it anyway about rednecks always being so violent?) her while she was asleep and all hell broke loose; she woke up and screamed bloody murder and pressed the Call bell and they came running( so she had witnesses) and the nasty bitch's 'excuse" was she "thought she was hitting someone else"(????) so they took a report and it was all documented and the administrator was notified and her doctor was really mad and ordered the bitch be moved into another room(Yay! Finally! Now she has a normal room-mate) and they told me the reason she was placed in with my mother in the first place is because my mother is "someone who stands up for herself and doesn't take any crap" but this was too much even for her, and she gave it right back and if I ever see her again I'll warn her if she ever touches my mother ever again I'll sue her ass for assault!  Back the f*ck up or get smacked the f*ck up.I always knew right from the beginning  she was trouble; I had a "bad vibe" about her all along and I was right.

Yesterday the pain in my upper back was also soooo bad it felt like a ripping; like a bear took its claws and ripped all across my upper back deep right into my chest and it just took my breath away and the day before(Sunday) my endoscopy and colonoscopy I can't eat any solid food either; only liquids so I'm going to be starving and I'm starting to grow my hair out a bit longer( a short "Pixie" cut instead of Buzz cut) for the cooler fall/winter months now too, and maybe God made me ugly to keep me humble as well as maybe if I was pretty I would have ended up a whore, who knows? My friend V( from grade 6 ) who is moving to Arizona to be with family also applied for US citizenship, and the 28 YR old says I'm "obsessed" with my mother because I phone her daily and visit every 2 days but I'm just doing my duty and obligation to Honor thy mother and thy father ( he said, Even if they aren't honourable?) and now it's my turn to look after her, and I even went to my father's funeral even though I hadn't seen him since I was 2 because it was still  the right thing to do and I would have regretted it if I didn't, and he made some remark as well about how we were "bad parents" too and I told him I think we did a good job raising them and raised them well as none of them ended up teen parents or drug addicts or alcoholics or in gangs or in trouble with the law, etc.

Just a dream and the wind to carry me And soon I will be free.-Christopher Cross