His Dudeness Mr. Nissal.

Here is the almost-29 YR old with his new haircut. I just love this photo as I love his smile and you can tell it's a real genuine smile too because he's even smiling with his eyes. Nissal  was a cute word he made up when he was little and I also made up a a song for him( just like I did for all the kids when they were little; I made up cute little nicknames and songs for them and his was Mr. Nissal  and Little Critter which came about when he was a baby and loudly crying to be fed and my mother quipped, You're a noisy little critter! ) that went, Mr. Nissal, how I love you... He also claims that he's by far the "craziest" of all the kids,too, and I don't really see it but I do know beyond a doubt that he's the funniest, as in sense of humor, pranks, jokes, etc. and if he is the "craziest" that might explain why for the most part( other than when he's being an asshole) why we get along so well. My hubby also turns 60 this month close to retirement age soon( and he says I'm old!) and he's been limping around for days hurting his knee playing pickleball he refuses to admit, and Geddy Lee from Rush( one of my fave. bands I liked before I knew they were Canadian and by then it was too "late", ha, ha) has an autobiography called My Effin' Life too and I think that's just the best title ever and if I wrote a book(actually I did, it just hasn't been published) that's probabl;y what I'd call it,too.When I do something I put my "all" into it as well; before I had kids I put all my effort into the Communist Party and towards the Marxist Revolution and then it was everything into raising and homeschooling my kids and now it's taking care of Buddy.

Hey, check this out! Look how nice it was yesterday! Today and tomorrow going up to 28 C too( maybe even higher!) and I love it(although it was too hot for the 16 YR old's track & field), but then getting cold and rain for days.We've broken records,too. I also think it might be alot easier to just have my hubby pick my mother up and bring her back here  Sunday for our Thanksgiving dinner rather than to go there and have to somehow transport all the food (in all kinds of containers)all the way there ,plus we can't eat outside under the gazebo like planned either since it's going to rain but for some reason he refuses, and I also wonder how next-door keeps the squirrels and rabbits,etc. from eating their cannabis plants like they did my sunflowers, unless the natural "skunky" smell repels them? I also saw an ad for a business that said Proudly Canadian since 1955 so does that mean that they weren't proud to be Canadian before that.

I hate myself too for being fat, ugly, stupid, autistic, bipolar, and unlikable, unlovable, annoying, off-putting,etc. to people as well and no matter how hard I try it still always back-fires and comes out wrong,misunderstood, and gets taken the wrong way and I end up upsetting and offending people and making things worse and I always get scolded, told-off, yelled at, berated, belittled, shamed, embarrassed,put down, rejected, outcast, excluded,never feel good enough,etc. and I'm a failure and can't seem to do anything right and I always just screw up and do everything wrong and it's really hard being like this and living like this, esp. when I don't want to be or mean to be and I try so hard but nothing I do ever works and it's all just so hopeless all the time.

I seriously don't know why I even exist or why God continues to keep me alive.Sometimes I wonder if it's just to punish me for something. Now you know why suicide is such a tempting option.

I'm sorry for being me.

Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.