“Until last year I had no idea I was autistic. I knew I was different and I had always been told I was "too sensitive." But I don't fit the old Rain Man stereotype. I'm a CEO, I'm married, I have two kids. Autism is often a hidden disability.
Other people made life seem easy and effortless while, before my diagnosis, I was always operating with some level of confusion. I was able to achieve a lot and I used to attribute it to the strong work ethic I inherited from my father, but now I have no doubt that he was autistic too.I climbed the career ladder very quickly. My mind is always going a million miles an hour and I don't have an off switch. I need to finish what I start at any cost. I now understand that that is part of being autistic. Einstein, Mozart, Michelangelo, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, all these gifted people believe they are, or have been, on the spectrum.
Not only did I work hard, I also played very hard. I used recreational drugs to ease myself into the challenges of social communication. I was always a clubber, not a pubber, because I couldn't do the talking. Autism is characterized by the need for repetitive patterns and challenges in communication. With every interaction, verbal or written, I go through a mental checklist: Is my response appropriate? Is it relevant? Is it something that only I will find interesting? Is my tone correct? Trying to follow social rules and adapt to an autistic [non-autistic] world is exhausting. Nobody sees what's going on inside my head.
I have to work very hard on friendships. I'm good at making friends, but not so good at keeping them. Misunderstandings in communication can explode quickly. I have very high expectations of myself and others, and my friends tell me that can feel like pressure. The downside is that I am 100% trustworthy, very loyal, and very fun when I'm feeling sociable. Autistic people have a high divorce rate. My husband is a very calm and down-to-earth person, which is a good balance for me.
I burned myself when I was in my twenties. Originally from England, I spent a year in India searching for answers and then headed south to Australia. It's no coincidence that I moved to the other side of the world to try to figure out where I belong, where I would be accepted. My biggest fear has been something I've always referred to as "the great loner." Even when I have been in loving relationships, like now, there has been a terrible loneliness of not understanding why I am not like everyone else.
Rachel Rowe: "I have very high expectations of myself and others, and my friends tell me that can feel like pressure." Photography: Tonic Mag
Like many adult women, my diagnosis came through my daughter's diagnosis. It is an increasingly common story. My daughter had behavioral differences and sensory sensitivities from a young age and was diagnosed with autism at age seven. A year ago, I founded Autism Camp Australia, a charity for autistic children and their families. I studied autism every day, constantly talking to parents, and it became clear that I had many of the symptoms myself. Even before a specialist confirmed my diagnosis, I knew I had found the answer.
Suddenly, a lot of things made sense. I was able to look back at situations and misunderstandings and understand what had happened. I had been told that my communication could be "off" at times, a little intense, a little abrupt. By understanding my autism, I have been able to take better care of myself. I understand the differences between allistic and autistic communication, and I know when I need to rest and recover. Autism is largely an inherited condition. The largest study of its kind, involving 2 million people in five countries, suggests that autism is 80% determined by inherited genes. It is not caused by poor parenting or childhood vaccinations. It is not a mental illness. Autistic children are not rebellious children who choose not to behave.
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