Nice Things.

Here are more nice things I found that I like but will probably never buy. This dress, for instance, I love it but I haven't got the body for it; you have to be thin and I'm well.....fat. It's also too low cut at the bust but that's easily fixed by my usual "trick" of just wearing a black aerobics top underneath to cover up for modesty. Buddy did more shit as well thank God but he still always arches his back and strains like he has to shit(and his asshole even 'turns" inside-out and I can see the inside of his ass) all the time even when he's done one, so maybe something's swelling or pressing inside and just makes him feel like he does and yesterday he also only peed twice and this morning I was out with him for 30 minutes and he did a shit but still never peed(not even after holding it all night) so I know something is going on and isn't right  and I know what's coming next but I can't accept it and he's still shivering and just sleeps all the time but thankfully he's still eating but it really worries me; he turns 18 in 4 months which is living longer than I'd expected (I only thought until 12-13 or so)so I'm grateful we got more time together than I thought we would and I knew that one day this day would come but I'll still never be ready. He's the best friend I've ever had and the only one that loves me and I can't lose him. He's all I have.He's the only thing that keeps me going and my only reason to keep living. I also visited my mother yesterday and was worried the whole time I was gone that he'd die and she said to me, Do you want to be there when he dies? and I told her Yes, of course! I don't want him to be alone or think I abandoned him! I want him to die in my arms! I'm going to be with him right until the very end!

My hubby and I also brought my mother the framed photos of everyone like she asked( she even wants ones of the 24 and 27 YR old's BF's which I still think is weird) and she didn't recognize mine and asked who that was and when we told her she scoffed, I don't want yours next to the grandchildren! (they're currently all crowded on her dresser until the LTC home workers can put them up on the wall) and I was shocked and hurt and I told HER, If it wasn't for me you wouldn't even HAVE *ANY* grandchildren so watch it, lady!! and she didn't recognize the 20 YR old either, who now looks really grown-up and like a model now and is quite pretty, and the 22 YR old now looks like a vampire/Goth which is disappointing and the 27 YR old just looks scary( despite me raising them the opposite of that) and the others all pretty well still look the same.

The 28 YR old also went to a music venue Friday night but it got cancelled but they also had a chess board there  so he challenged people to games and every time he'd win( which was most of the time) they had to buy him a drink and he ended up winning 7-8 drinks ( oh, my God! Holy shit!) and I'm surprised that he could even find his way back home!  I worry so much about him even though he turns 29 in 2 days. He probably staggered walking back the entire way, and he spent most of the weekend helping his boss(who is also now a friend) harvest his vast garden(I remember mine at our first house in Ottawa, my veggie garden that took up my entire yard), which incl. cannabis plants and he got around 20 pounds of weed and the nugs were nice and big like strawberries, and also various veggies and fruits and there was a Diwali (Indian festival of lights) festival in a nearby town on the weekend as well with food, music, and vendors  I didn't find out about until after it was over and I missed it and I would have definitely gone to if I had known before ; I LOVE cultural festivals(and Indian food ,and the food is always the best part!) and I saw a raccoon yesterday morning by the pool as well which is odd as they normally don't come out until night/dark but maybe it was hungry and looking for food? it's just trying to survive just like the rest of us.

It was also 34 years ago today I became a mother for the first time, and I can remember too I read my first Stephen King book when I was just 9-10 years old; it was his first novel Carrie and I read it before I saw the movie(I often do that) probably not the most "appropriate" thing for a kid to be reading but hey, at least I was reading, and at 13 I read The Shining and I've always loved to read(I still do) and the 24 YR old is the same and I can remember as a kid too every week walking back from the library carrying 2 big bags bulging full of books and reading them all in  week and when I was in grade 5 or 6 I did a reading marathon for charity in school as well and I won a fuzzy pink tennis ball and I still had it too until we had the fire in 1996 and I lost everything.

Stand up and face the enemy It's a do or die situation We will be invincible.-Pat Benatar