You know what? I wanted to tell you, but the CPTSD that I just felt even trying to formulate an answer about all the things from my school days threatens to cause a melt-down…and I’m 65 now. It was that bad.
I’m going to sum it up.
Bullied from day one on the school bus. It never stopped.
Not able to play team sports competently, so always chosen last in gym class…ridiculed and shamed.
Smart in English and sciences so did very well academically: therefore accused, even though I never bragged or showed off my grades, of being stuck-up. In fact I hid my grades much of the time, quickly shoving the tests into my folder. I couldn’t be proud of my own accomplishments. (What, was I supposed to fail to make them happy??? I don’t get it.)
Awkward, and had a hard time socially. Tried to fit into many groups and never did. Never could understand why. I just didn’t know what to do or say.
Became “invisible”. I went to a reunion as an older adult and the photos of the event only included me in the background once. Nobody seemed interested in talking with me even years later. Nobody cared how my life went. I tried to converse with some of the people, but still failed the “small talk” test. Only ONE person has stayed in touch out of over 300 in that HS class. I suspect she is possibly on the spectrum too, although her extrovert gregarious nature may be the reason. She is now a retired teacher so maybe she worked with autistic kids and understands me. We live on opposite sides of the USA, but see each other now every year or two and write cards occasionally.
In school I tried to be kind. I tried to be nice. I tried to be truthful and honest. (not realizing that is not how NTs are) and I tried to be a good friend. I tried to be helpful.
Now that I have finally, many years later, figured out that I am autistic can I look back and understand why I had such a hard struggle and hated it so much. It’s taking a lot of time to heal those wounds.
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