I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to feel better, be better. I already struggled SO much with feeling like I am the problem in so many ways. It’s a huge part of what I was getting help for. The meaning I made out of the ways I’ve been hurt. The blame is feel. The meaning feels the same this time. I keep thinking about leaving. For good. I don’t know what to do. I just want to not hurt. I want to not be a burden with my pain or my needs or my fucking selfish want to just have someone help me not hurt me. I guess this is what I deserve.
We would contract for safety after every session. I told her sometimes it felt like that was selfish. To keep myself here when it was just an inconvenience. No more contracts.
Why stay?
I hurt so much.
and I know no one will really even see this post. A part of me doesn’t want to be seen. A part of me is desperate to keep trying to share so I feel less alone. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do.
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