I found this on Quora as well, sort of a Part Two of the previous post, also perfectly describing my hubby and this one is so exactly painfully like my life and marriage written out in painful detail.Wow.
- You felt so connected so quickly to them, with so much intimacy right away. You just clicked, you could talk for 12 hours straight. You've never been a phone person, but 4 hour calls fly right by. When you leave them or get off the phone, you feel so good inside that you practically feel sick, and maybe a little down or depressed. You think - it must just be coming down from the high of being with them, and you convince yourself it's a testament to how great you felt talking to them.
- At some point that intense first connection started to shift, and you don't know why. Now you spend most of your time confused because you always seem to be wrong-footed in conversation and you can't seem to climb back to that initial connection.
- You're constantly disoriented, like you have whiplash. Why do you keep doing all these random things wrong, even when you pay attention and try really hard not to? At first you thought they were the one being rude, or cold, or deliberately hurtful - but now you're pretty sure there's something wrong with you and your reactions. You suddenly have a list in your head of things you're trying hard not to do, say or feel when you're with them. You're somehow more sensitive with them, more jealous, more paranoid, you suddenly can't seem to take a joke - though you're not normally like that in relationships.
- You feel like you have the right words in your head to talk about what you're feeling, what's wrong in the relationship, but when you bring it up, the conversation always shifts away from your points and your feelings and instead becomes all about the 'bad' way you brought it up, the 'accusatory' words you're using, or all of your other faults, often ones that are the very faults you were trying to talk to them about. If you could only find the right words to explain how this is wrong, you could make them understand. But the conversation can never get that far. It's always misinterpreted and spins off in another direction before you can say those right words that will make them understand.
- Just when things are really really good - or just when you find the strength and a way to approach the negative things - but always when you're at your most vulnerable, you suddenly find yourself unable to get in touch with them. Your texts are unanswered, when they were the one that used to text you at all hours, constantly. Your "regular" calls or dates are ignored or missed, even though they were the ones who always seemed to want to see you. You're hurt and confused and scared, but since you've been 'so sensitive' lately, you think it's probably a you-problem.
- Your friends are starting to get exasperated with you. When you try to tell them your relationship problems, the problems are so vague or open to interpretation, you can't quite convey why they bother you so much. Over time, you stop even sharing the problems because you've "used up" your friends and family's patience and willingness to listen.
- Your stomach is always in knots. Why aren't you the person you used to be? Didn't you used to be funny? Dynamic? Excited? Playful? Flirtatious? What happened to that person??
- You start to find yourself hesitating before sharing personal, vulnerable or private information with your partner. A few times during arguments, that private info was flung in your face, or brought up in front of friends or family, or they refer to it in public. You notice that this is especially true on your hardest days when your emotional energy is at an all time low. And you know if you mention this to them, it will just open an even bigger can of worms that you don't have the energy to deal with, so you find yourself keeping your real vulnerabilities more and more to yourself.
- You feel isolated. Your friends and family don't get it, you're pretty sure you're the crazy one, that you're just always off balance and if you could just get your act together, maybe your relationship would snap back into the sync it was in the beginning. If you could only get your head above water, you'd have everything you want. But in the mean time while you're working on that, you don't feel like you have anyone to confide in. I mean you're probably the crazy one in this relationship and that's kind of shameful to admit. As lonely as you feel, you also feel that the problems are probably of your own making. Aren't they??
- When you try to think about what part you play in the issues of your relationship, you can't help but think of this other person who seems to interact with your partner in all the right ways. They're smart and funny in ways you used to pride yourself on being, but you haven't felt that way in ages. The other person is really good at things you're bad at, and behaves in ways that your partner wants you to behave. They also get a side of your partner that you've been begging for. Seeing how easy it is for them to please your partner, you realize once again that the problems must lie with you.
- Vacations, special occasions, birthdays and anniversaries always seem to fall apart. You can't figure out why. There is always, always a problem on special occasions.
- When you get distant, your partner suddenly does something that you really, really wanted from them! Damn, you WERE crazy because the relationship that you wanted was here all along. You feel like running to them and hugging them tight, like THERE you are! This is the way it used to be. You forgive everything. What a massive relief.
- The good times never last. There is a cycle to them and the cycle inevitably angles down. Even when things are good, you feel a sick feeling in your stomach that you can sense they're about to head back to the bad place. Nothing - no good behavior, no amount of love or sex or adherence to your mental list of rules - will stop everything from getting tense and falling apart. You are walking on familiar eggshells again.
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