Running With Scissors.(Formerly HippoRastaPotamus): December 2023

Sunday, December 31, 2023

Goodbye 2023!

Well, here we are already, the end of December and the end of 2023.

Goodbye and good riddance!

I was hoping I'd be dead before this year ends but alas, here I still am. Talk about a disappointment.

I thought I might have had a chance yesterday around dinner time as I had this excruciatiating pain in my chest as I was reaching over to cover up Buddy with his blanket in his bed and it was soooo bad I couldn't even lift up my left arm or even move and I thought for sure I was a goner and I was done for; that this was finally The Big One , that my poor broken heart had finally just given up and had enough but it was brief( probably just a few seconds although when you're in pain it feels like forever) and then right after the pain seemed to have "shifted" and was under my ribs on the left side(I still have today) that felt like a really baaaad bruise( and even hurt when I breathe) and when I touched it, it felt like I'd been kicked, so who knows? A pulmonary embolism, maybe that temporarily blocked oxygen to my heart?

Normally we also order-in Chinese food for New Year's but since we just went to the Chinese buffet that's off(and I have to cook) and I'll also be making Ambrosia which everyone likes, a recipe my aunt gave us; a dessert made from real whipping cream I have to whip up with the Kitchen Aid mixer (and need my lactose pills for )and with mini marshmallows and diced fruit.

It's just oh-so-delicious.

I used to have to whip the cream using manual mixing beaters which took 10-15 minutes but the Kitchen Aid mixer is sooo much better and more efficient because it beats the cream for you! After all this time I 've got it down to an exact science,too and know how to whip it just right, not so little it goes "flat" and ends up runny, but not too much either that it turns to butter; just right so that it's really thick and has "folds" in it and you get "peaks" on it and then you know it's just right.

I can still also remember when I was in my 20's and 30's and I'd get all dressed up and wear a fancy evening gown and heels and my jewellery and put on make-up and the whole fancy thing and go out to New Year's Eve parties even though I never drank I'd still do the fance soiree thing( just like with the Archbishop's Charity Ball,etc.) and still be me, only dressed up fancy; I'd still sit quietly by mysef in a corner and just observe everyone else and all the activity going on around me, just all dressed up,not part of it but just taking it all in. I've never been "social." The 29 YR old also said my mother has "dark beady eyes like a mouse" and when we lived in Toronto when I was a kid and teen she also was a member of the ROM museum and because of that we were one of the first to get tickets to the King Tut exhibit when it came and he jokes that now she's the exhibit! 😂

Almost half this year was god-awful as well from May-September due to my mother refusing to get out of bed and she peed and shit in there and it was beyond what we could handle or manage until she finally got placed in the LTC home ( "put out to pasture") in September but then it all ended up working out in the end and for the best because then she was no longer living here with us and being demanding, bossy, interfering,coddling the youngest, and ganging-up on me with my hubby and always criticizing me and putting me down,blaming me, and veto-ing me so the whole atmosphere in the house is much better since she left,too, proving that she was the problem all along, even though they always blamed me, and she always told me to leave(even though with my autism I can't survive on my own) but I'm grateful God arranged it so she was the one to go .

It was an answer to my prayer.

I was also surprised I was so easily able to obtain a prescription for Ozempic (to lose weight) online yesterday and I got all excited....until I found out the price....

400$ every month for the medication plus 99$ every 2 months for the consultation.

F*ck.

Everything is always too expensive and unaffordable for me!

and out of my reach.

So much for that!!

I'm still trying to figure out as well why the kids hate me and went No Contact and what I did ,and what exactly I did wrong . I have no idea and even when I'd ask them they'd still never tell me or just huff, You know! ....except that I don't but whatever it is I'm sorry.

Goodbye 2023!

Once the body dies, the soul soars like a bird released from a cage and gains new capacities.-Scott Hakala

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Just Trying To Survive.

I found this on Quora and it's so true and I could relate.I'm prickly and abrasive like a rose,too, that's why no one picks me.

Immanuel Spengler

Indigo (Asperger's/ADHD) and proud 5h

Do people with Asperger's Syndrome tend to be more strong-willed than neurotypical people? If so, why?

A bloke I once knew had served time in Walton Prison in Liverpool, probably one of Britain's toughest prisons. He told me that the first thing you have to do when you get there is get into a fight and win it. To show you can.

Most Asperger's' people have to kind of do that all the time, metaphorically speaking. They had to do it at Primary School, they had to do at Middle School, they had to do at High School. They've been doing it all their lives.

As Machievelli said, a wise prince is both loved and feared but if a prince can only be one, it is better to be feared. This is a life lesson every Asperger's person has learned from hard experience. That we have no choice other than to be a little bit of a cunt or we'll be a lot of a runt. We're never going to be one of the herd so we can either be kicked to the sidelines or force our way to the centre.

We don't really have much choice other than to be strong willed or we'd get fucked. There's no place in the world for weak Asperger's people. For us, survival of the fittest is not a law of nature we can afford to ignore.

And the thing is…neurotypicals do despise weak Asperger's people. But they genuinely like and admire us when we earn their respect.

Daily Chuckle.

Almost Over.

This year is almost over (yay!)and sadly I didn't die yesterday like I thought I might and just in case I took this photo yesterday in case it was to have been my last photo and I was shocked how truly old I look and how much I've aged this year.

Stress does that.

I turn 57 next week and even though I still feel young ike a teen on the inside my body on the outside feels like it's 90 years old!My hubby will be away for my birthday in Toronto for 2 days for a course (and he also said he has another week still off,too, so that's 3 weeks)so at least he won't be here in my hair to annoy me, giving me some peace for my birthday and I'll order-in food from my fave. Italian place I'd normally go to with my mother, and tomorrow my hubby and the boys have a New Year's Eve party with their Dungeons & Dragons friends and it finally stopped raining as well and this morning it's - 2C and there was even a light "dusting" of snow on the roof tops! My hubby also always accuses me of "faking" being dumb,too( like when I don't know sports references, for examples) but I can assure you that I'm NOT faking.😂He did give me the best Christmas stocking I've had in awhile though; this year he did them( my mother usually does) and it was all chocolates!

This is one of my fave. photos of us as well, taken 16 years ago and yesterday we went to the buffet, my hubby, my mother, the 16, 29 YR old, and me, and my mother let it "slip" that the 24 YR old and her BF stopped by to visit her at her LTC home on their way to Kingston the other day ...

.which is close to us as well but she never came by the house to visit me.....

the bitch....

a cruel and deliberate snub...

.and then they wonder why I hate my family and feel like an outcast!

They always exclude me!

I used to think that she was one of the "nicer" ones, too, but I guess she's just as bad as all the others. She said they gave her a hat and brought her a Christmas stocking ,too,and her BF even gave her a red envelope with $$$ in it for Chinese New Year (he's part Chinese) as well!

I really wish she never told me that.

I wish I didn't know.

It hurts that I'm the one everyone leaves out, avoids, and no one wants to see and I still have no idea why.

Why do they hate me so much,anyway?

You know, I can't help being autistic and bipolar.

I didn't ask for it.

I also love this car, which looks to me like some sort of Corvette, and apparantly it's from some old TV show and on a blog I read they gave their 20 YR old daughter a Glock pistol (which costs around 400$!) for a Christmas present! Holy f*ck! What kind of gift is that? (and yes, they are American!) and it was her fave. gift,too, and Rush said their fave. song of theirs is Tom Sawyer and mine is Spirit Of Radio (although I like all their songs)and yesterday dropping my mother off the 29 YR old checked out her new "digs" ( he hadn't seen it yet) he didn't like it and said it was crappy; the walls were depressing and drab colours and her room looks like a hospital room and as she was returning he overheard a nurse say to her as well, Already complaining? too.That sounds like her alright. Ha, ha, and my plan for when Buddy dies is to go to one of those euthanasia clinics in Switzerland or the Netherlands(I wonder how my travel agent will react to my request? I'll just need a one-way ticket) so I can finally get it right and get a trip at the same time,too, and die in Europe and NOT in this shithole. I just hope it doesn't cost more $$$ than I have in my account but even if not I guess I could always take out a loan; it's not like I have to pay it back; I'll be dead...

The moment when a baby is born, the mother is also born.-Blue