Lets put it this way. For most of my life; over 60 years, my life has been a struggle to survive. Continually overwhelmed, confused and overstimulated…and always believing I am the “wrong one”…the square peg trying to fit into that round hole.
Maintaining the traditional family gatherings, the social friendships and the going out with others to be social was always difficult, parties are hell, but I did it because…well, what was wrong with me? I mean, this is what I am obligated to do by our society. Everyone else did these things and seemed to love it. It must be MY FAULT.
All my life I got ghosted, friends suddenly stopped interacting with me, and I just couldn’t send everyone a birthday card on time…it was all too much. Shopping, a movie AND dinner…???? They loved it and I needed 2 days to recover.
I tried to stay in touch with my family. I really did. Gradually they either stopped writing, never visited me, or simply gave me the silent treatment for some infraction they perceived that I couldn’t figure out. It was a painful existence full of struggle and very unhappy.
Life was all about survival only. Just get through it.
The last family member I wrote to was my sister…I kept reaching out thinking she wanted to continue a sisterly relationship. I wrote to her and she would eventually write a little bit back. Then I noticed how patronizing a statement of hers was. I had finally grown emotionally by doing MY work, to see and feel it underneath her words. It hit me.
I wanted to write back, explain myself and defend myself. Then I stopped myself and said…ok, what would happen if I wait for HER to write to me first this next time…because I finally realized how I had initiated all our communications.
That was months ago.
tick tick tick…yeah…nothing.
I’ve been discovering that “family” is NOT the people I grew up with. In any relationship I began to evaluate who was doing all the work. Of course, I was.
I’ve since let go of most of that and am enjoying life so much more. Most of them haven’t even asked how I am or reached out to me at all.
My true friends reciprocate in an active relationship. They understand my limitations. Reciprocity is part of active LOVE. I do believe passive love is possible…I can love some people without interacting with them much or at all. Not attending a family party is not about my caring for them or not. It’s about keeping myself healthy.
I only have spoons enough to maintain a few relationships at a close level. Beyond that it’s just too draining, especially if the maintenance involves going out and doing stuff. That is likely the core answer to your question for me. I have limited energy and use a lot of it to simply get through my day. Having a brain that is always on “high”, a brain that can’t be shut down to rest is tiring. Priorities cause me to have to set boundaries to avoid melt downs and burnout. Going out to a movie or dinner is a fun simple activity to muggles, but to me it’s a whole lot of spoons, and I might even need significant recovery time afterwards.
I’m now allowing myself to be the reclusive introverted person I truly am. It is so nice to not feel the continuous obligation to be in social situations. I’m nurturing my own needs. It’s been great to make space and have compassion for myself, to take care of my needs too. After years of caring for “them”, now I can do more than just survive. Now I can thrive. I love being ME. I’m happy a lot now. What a difference.
So you see, the idea of what muggles think of as loving and interacting is not always what nurtures an autistic person. That “night out” is fun for muggles. It’s destructive to me. That movie is relaxing and fun for muggles. It is overstimulating and exhausting for me. The dinner out is great, but that restaurant with all the TVs blaring, the noisy dishes clanging and the happy banter that is competing with all the other noises makes it so I can’t hear what you are saying…that’s draining and difficult for me. The activities that muggles enjoy are often ones that are exhausting and draining for me.
It’s not that I do not wish to “reach out”….I’m limited in what I can manage. I enjoy a different sort of “reaching out”. A nice quiet cup of coffee or tea with a friend at my kitchen table or on my little deck. A chance to share my recent activities (special interests), sharing the sight of a blooming flower and cute gnomes in my gardens, or asking your opinion of my recently created artwork is fun. I will come to your place to share your interests when I can if I don’t have to stay too long or feel overwhelmed that day.
Those are the relationships I can enjoy, but not every day. I need alone time to recharge. Lots of it. I need alone time to think things through. I need alone time to create and do my special interests. That is what I love doing, even writing here to help me share, and to help process info in my own head. I honestly enjoy those days when I do not have to work or have people coming over. (exception is the one person who I see early every morning when we workout and have coffee…that is a great routine…predictable and healthy.)
I love all my friends and my clients. I do enjoy time with people too, but in calmer ways that aren’t overwhelming. Parties are not fun. Walking in the public gardens is fun. My idea of fun is not the same as muggles. Try sitting and having a deep conversation with an autistic person on a topic that they are interested in…oh, yeah. You might be blown away. THAT is fun for me. The balance, the needs for autistic people is just different. We want to have your friendship, but on a level we can manage.
I have one muggle friend who wanted to phone me whenever it worked for her to have small talk. No. Just can’t. Don’t interrupt me for an hour of chit chat about nothing when I am in the midst of my special interest flow. That is painful to my system. Arrange with me when it would be good to call…give me time to make that transition. Ask me by text if it would be ok to chat soon? I might say in an hour I can. Respect my time please. That is what I need. Then I can chat a little, but small talk for an hour might be too much for me. It will lead to resentment. Allow me to make those transitions and adjustments that help me to be your friend. I will be a loyal friend if my limits are respected.
I hope that helps you understand, and perhaps helps you know how to interact with your autistic and spectrum friends and family on their level. Remember…we autistic people can’t handle that overwhelm as you can, but we are truly amazing in our own ways.
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