Faith.

I'm still trying to figure out how God best wants me to worship; which faith I should follow and pray in. I was thinking for awhile there that the Jewish faith might be the True faith, esp. since it was the original faith,and the faith of the Old Testament/Torah, and the ancient Israelites were God's Chosen People and Jesus was a Jew, but the problem there is that Jews don't believe that Jesus is the Messiah and even though I have doubts that He's God's Son (I think it's more likely He was His prophet) I still do think He is the Messiah, so there's a biiiig conflict there and I'm NOT willing to give up my Jesus, plus (and no offence) Jews are an "insulted" group and don't really welcome "outsiders" and alot of them are racist, too,esp. to Black people and one thing I won't tolerate is racism, so there's that. So, perhaps Islam would be more suited to me as they acknowledge Jesus as one of God's major prophets and the Messiah who will return and they have strong morality,too,....

but...

I have a hard time seeing Mohammed as a prophet being that he was,well, a warlord and had many slaves and concubines and married a girl when she was just 6 years old which obviously doesn't sit well with me, although to be fair Biblical prophets also had slaves and concubines( think Abraham) and weren't all what you would call  "good" people,either; Moses killed a man, Noah was a drunk, David was an adulterer, etc. no one is "perfect" and God can even use flawed people for His purpose,and then there's parts of the Quran that say good women are obedient and to beat your wife if she disobeys, things like that...

Then there's Christianity, which I was raised with, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around Jesus being God's Son when He's God  and He can just create whoever and whatever He wants by saying "be" and it is, and I can't understand either how a kind loving Father would sacrifice His Son like that, and I don't believe in the Trinity,either, but think God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are 3 separate individual beings that work together as a team, and I think the Eucharist/Communion merely symbolizes Jesus' Last Supper, and then there's the issue of worshipping idols and praying to others other than God(such as Jesus, Mary,and the Saints) and I don't believe Jesus actually died for our sins but that everyone is responsible for their own sins and that He just came to teach us about God.

So....where does that leave me, then? I just worship in private now, just me and God. My faith in God hasn't waned, just in man-made organized religion with so many contradictions, expectations,rules, questions,etc.

I actually do a combination of Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and even Hare Krishna prayers, so I guess I've got it all covered.

I also saw this yesterday and I had the exact same one. A relative( I don't remember who) gave it to me when I was really small, maybe even a baby and I had it for years until I lost it( along with everything else in my room) when we had the fire in 1996. It was sterling silver and I remember having to polish it.I also remember in Ottawa our next-door neighbours kids used to play with ours and one time the girl told our oldest she was at her parents' wedding and he said That's impossible!You wouldn't have even been born yet! and she insited, I was! I was 2 years old and in the wedding photo!  and how their mother yelled at them for "playing in the garden" and he told me "We weren't anywhere near the garden or the flowers!" and then later on I realized she actually meant the backyard  as she was British and British people call their yard a "garden"( I wonder what they actually call the garden, where the flowers grow?) It's sad,too, I found out a few years ago the mother died of breast cancer, and she was just a bit older than me, My hubby's also away all next weekend( Fri, Sat. Sun) in Niagara Falls for his niece's wedding(and they already have 2 kids) so I get a nice break,too, with him gone and yesterday he purposely turned the light off in the kitchen when he knew I was still in there waiting for my bagel to toast!

What an asshole.

Yesterday when I was taking the Shepherd's Pie out of the oven and serving it out my hubby also goes, Where's mine? and I told him he doesn't get any because last time he whined and complained he could see and taste onions in it so now I don't give him any anymore and he can get his own food. 

It's not a restaurant.

 Eat it or starve. 

Today I was also woken up from 3 am(and still ever since) by bad cramps and diarrhrea, my guess from the bagel I had last night that had  a couple of green "fuzzies" on it( even though I picked them off)  and I think what hurts the most about my kids never sending me cards for Mother's Day or my birthday or phoning or e-mailing me is that they don't acknowledge me, or  acknowledge me as their mother; that I'm not even worth the effort, and I have a sad resignation I will continue to suffer for a past I can't escape and maybe the reason my past suicide attempts failed too was because I had to still be here to help my mother transition to her new life at the LTC home and also  to be here for Buddy as he got old. Maybe my vocation is to be a caregiver and then once my job is done I can move on,too?

I guess nothing can last forever.-Bryan Adams