Re-Post From 16 April 2019

 

Mama's Gone.

The other day I overheard the 12 year old ask, Where's Mama? (I was laying on the couch curled up in pain, trying to separate myself from it) and my hubby replied, Mama's gone and this hit me as summing everything up perfectly and describing what my life has become and what I've become:

Gone.

After a lifetime of traumas, pain, suffering, sorrow, abuse, struggles, bad luck, despair, trials, misfortune, tragedies, struggles with mental health and other health issues and limits,chronic daily pain, rejection, bullying, betrayal, hurt, devastation, crushed hopes and dreams, etc. I'm so broken and damaged that there's nothing left of me anymore. I'm just spent, all used up, reached my limit, broken, defeated, beaten down,given up, nothing left, done, just gone. I have nothing left to give, I'm all used up, all depleted, all dried up, and I continue to be lost to mental decline , mental illness, and physical decline. I'm no longer the person I once was with the abilities I once had. There's just a hollow empty shell left of who I used to be. 

I'm gone.

My family hates, resents,and blames me for my decline, for breaking so hard, for being so damaged, so broken, for being human, for being weak and having a breaking point, for giving up, for not being able to take any more or to go on any more, for falling apart, for cracking, for breaking, for being beaten down and destroyed by life, for having limits, for not being able to endure any longer, for fading away, for being gone, and I'm sorry but I held on and lasted as long as I could until I finally cracked and just couldn't do it anymore or go on any longer. I just wish they'd show me some simple kindness ,compassion, understanding,and forgiveness, and consider my situation and the burden of trauma, mental illness and other factors that destroyed me and broke me so hard, and to know that I always had good intentions and I meant well and I tried, but I guess in the end I could only take so much and something had to give and I could only endure for so long.

I miss the old me, the happy me, the gone me.

This is also the 12 YR old's build a science project. I think it looks like a bomb. He gets science projects like this sent once a month in the mail. It's also tragically sad about the fire at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. I'm so glad I went there and saw it when I did. It's so sad, so historical.

Sometimes demons are living under the same roof s us and we are forced to grow up with them.-Zada.L. McCandless