Downhill.

My mother seemed to be getting  better from her cold until this morning we got an emergency call from the hospital they have my mother in the ER in respiratory distress and may even have to intubate her and I was just getting ready to get up and my hubby bursts into my room, freaking me out I just had time to quickly put Buddy out to pee and get him some food and jump into some pants(I wasn't going to wear my PJs) but just kept on the same sweatshirt I went to bed with but didn't have time for a bath or to put on clean underwear and I grabbed my backpack and tossed in a snack and a couple of cans of pop and my purse and grabbed a donut  to eat and off we went. 

It was terrifying  the entire 20 minute or so drive there and I was just praying that she'd at least hold on until we got there.We were there for 5 hours and will go back again tomorrow to visit her.

She had an oxygen mask on, like fighter pilots have and it was at 60% then lowered to 40% and her oxygen level was at 80% when she arrived which is actually low( it should be 99-100%) with a low BP( 40/60) and they said when the LTC home checked her this morning her sats were low and she was struggling to breathe and called the ambulance and she didn't even WANT to go to the hospital! 

Pfffftttt!!!

At first they thought they'd even have to intubate her and put her on a vent and I know what that means.

If you go on a vent you don't usually come off.

They took an X-ray and she has baaaad pneumonia( just like I'd suspected before but no one ever listens to me) and now has a fever and they took blood, hooked her up to IV fluids and antibiotics and even put in an arterial line which took 3 tries and she winced and gasped in pain,poor thing, and put a catheter in and took a sample(and blood draws too) which I was shocked to see her pee was a thick, cloudy white, so full of white blood cells, indicating infection, possibly bladder or kidney and she's also on vasopressors and started showing a bit of improvement in her breathing and responding to the antibiotics buit she's now in the ICU(so you know it's bad)  but would be happy to have her own room and NOT  "out of the woods" yet and now they say she's even started to turn septic  too and sepsis if spreads causes organ failure and......well.....you can figure out the outcome.

I'm just so numb with shock and so scared,fearful, and worried and anxious I chewed my fingernails down to stubby little nubs. She was hoping to be able to have Christmas too and now it's "dicey" and will be in the ICU for at least a few days(if she even survives!!) and I just couldn't face losing both her and Buddy at the same time; that would just be too much.

I'm still in a state of shock and this just all suddenly came out of nowhere and just knocked me right down. All I can now do is wait and hope and pray and see if it's just another "bump" in the road she's to overcome or if it's the Final Act.It's in God's Hands.I pray for strength.

I am really ready to die, having experienced everything I wanted and tired of life.