I was talking to my mother's nurse again who said it was the E-Coli bacteria(probably from eating those damn salads at the LTC home!) that caused her infection and that she's now back on the vasopressors as her BP dropped back down low again and she's still on the Bi-PAP for her breathing and now has a fever back again as well and her kidneys and urine output is a bit better although the pee not as good as 2 days ago but better than yesterday and she's drowsy and "very weak" and tomorrow it'll be a week and she's still no better,no worse, but "just the same", making me worry she might have Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome (only happens in 5-10% of cases but we're always that rare case)where the bacteria attacks the kidneys and blood and if so that's NOT good and she won't be coming back from that, and I know in my heart she's dying(probably tomorrow) and I think she's just holding on waiting for 2 of the girls to come in from Vancouver and Ottawa to visit and then she'll let go, but I also know that she wouldn't want to languish in the ICU for weeks or months,either; that's no life.
It's like trapping a bird in a cage and it can't fly and you have to set it free.
I know that I'm NOT the first person whose mother's dying but it IS the first time for me and it's hard and my BFF messaged me on Facebook and said dying is "just a part of life"(her dad died at 85) and I "have to be strong" and she suggested we get together sometime soon too which would be nice but she couldn't chat for long because she has a restaurant to run. I also think it's a glorious and wonderful thing though for my mother to spend this Christmas in Heaven though, and I hope once she's on the Other Side she can "intercede" for me,too, and persuade them to let me in,too, you know, sort of like how relatives "sponsor" family members for immigration to come over. We've travelled all over the world together and this would just be one more(and final) trip, and it hurts as well to know that my kids would wish it was me that was dying instead of her (so do *I*)and when the girls come they're staying at a motel too even though we room; we have 7 bedrooms; they say our house is "too dirty"; just being divas and our house isn't "good enough" for them anymore.
I also saw this doll I had and loved as a kid(I got it for Christmas one year)that could crawl and was one of my faves. and I know(and dread!)tomorrow's going to be a really hard day either way, one way or another; either my mother does die like I have a feeling she will, or if not I go to visit her( likely for the last time?) which is always hard, seeing her like that, plus with the kids coming is always stressful on me too because of how they treat me and I hope the 25 YR old's BF doesn't tag along like he usually does,either(does she ever go anywhere without him?) because I don't have enough food to feed everyone, and when I was the same age as the second-oldest( 34) I already had 9 kids,too,and she's still single, and today I also have this on and off weird pain on the left side of my head behind my ear too and when I looked I saw a quarter-sized red/purple thing that looked like tangled spaghetti I could see thru the skin so is it knotted vessels; possibly even an aneurysm or clot? I also can't believe Trump is Time Magazine's Person OfThe Year ,either; I think it should have gone to Madame Pelicot in France.
Fearless but sometimes fearful.
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