Orphan.

This can't wait until tomorrow. I visited my mother(despite the really baaaad fog!!) and brought the 17 YR old along too in case it might end up being his last chance and I wanted him to be able to say goodbye.

It's not looking good.

Even though her BP has stabilized and the infection is improving now her kidneys are shutting down as a result of the sepsis  and she's so drowsy she's not waking up due to it( and that's also what happens as well before you slip into a coma and as your body prepares to die) and needs dialysis but has to be transferred to the big hospital in Kingston for and they also want to put her on a ventilator and her platelets(clotting) have also decreased due to the sepsis(which is a blood infection) and I was talking to the doctor who said she only has a 50% or less chance of survival now with the kidney failure and if she does pull thru(and there still always is a chance, however slim) she's going to be in the hospital for 6 months or so(so she won't be home for Christmas) and won't be able to walk(with muscle atrophy from being bedridden for so long) and will need physio  rehab to be able to get back to "normal" again."

I know she was aware we were there and could hear us  even though she didn't respond and I told her it's up to her what she wants to do; if she still wants to keep on fighting or if she's done fighting and wants to just let go(and to give me a sign when she crosses over to the Other Side that she's ok) and I told her I understand and will support her decision either way and that we'll be ok and it's ok if she wants to let go but we prefer she fights and stays. I also realized when she dies I'll be an orphan as well with both my parents dead, and my day-to-day life won't really change much since she's been living at the LTC home now for over a year anyway; I just won't be visiting her every week anymore, but it's still sad though, just the idea of her not being here anymore,plus a big financial hit,too, but happy  and glorious for her though as she'll be in a good place and set free and not suffering,old, or in pain,anymore, but sad for us left behind.

  I'm surprised actually that my ingrate kids are even bothering to come up to visit her  on her deathbed but on Friday the second-oldest is flying in from Vancouver(she even came all the way from Japan before when the now 26 YR old tried to kill himself when he was 17) and the 25 YR old's coming in from Ottawa(I just hope she holds on that long and they make it in time) which surprised me as when I had surgery they didn't even phone me or send me a card but the 17 YR old summed it up perfectly though when he said, But we care about her (I know, aren't my kids just the most darling sweetest little things?)which broke my heart.

I hope and pray she recovers and mircales DO happen,like when my friend's son was on life-support and recovered  but we all know too that the *SICKEST* patients in the hospital are the ones in the ICU with sepsis so the odds aren't good, esp. now with the kidney failure and I also know for a fact when the body shuts down preparing for death that when the kidneys shut down death is usually imminent, and I worry it might be on Friday(3 more days and a week since she was admitted even though it feels much longer) as it's the 13th and the 13th has always been a Bad Luck Day  for her where bad things happen  but I still hold out hope that maybe her body's just shutting down temporarily (digestive, breathing, kidneys) so it can rest and concentrate on fighting the infections and getting better; that she needs all her strength and energy to get well,  and then she can come back from it and recover, it will just take time,even though in my heart I don't really expect a good outcome, esp,. at her age(83) I can still hope....and pray.  I also know that no one goes until it's their Time and that it's up to God.I also did have them call in a priest as well to administer what used to be called Last Rites because it won't hurt and she needs all the help she can get and making sure she has a blessing just in case she dies makes me feel better knowing her soul has that extra help.

Dreams float along in life just waiting to be remembered.