Still Holding On.

My mother's still here, still holding on( for more details on her most recent kidney failure(and her urine output is low and she's retaining fluid due to it) refer to my post last night) and I was half-expecting a call from the hospital in the middle of the night around 3-4 am saying she'd died but luckily so far so good. My hubby's in Toronto for work today and it's still really foggy and raining(but might snow later at night as the temp drops back down) and my mother's kidney failure would explain the pus I saw the first day in her pee sample and I know she wouldn't normally want(or put up with the hassle of) dialysis on a regular basis but if it's just a temporary measure just to get her thru  I think she'd be ok with it and being in Kingston we won't be able to see her as often as it's an hour drive each way but then again once she's ventilated she'll be unconscious and not aware we're even there, anyway. This is just soooo stressful on me as well but no one seems to  notice or care the toll it's taking on me even though it IS my mother and it's sad as well to realize that my kids are more upset over the possibility of her dying than if *I* was, and despite everything( her emotional abuse, gaslighting, over-stepping boundaries with my kids and turning them against me, ganging-on on me with my hubby,etc.) I'm still more loyal to my mother than my kids are to me and it still bothers me to see her struggling thru this and to know she's most likely dying even though it was to be expected at some point, esp. considering her age.

Hope for the best but expect the worst.

It's sad as well to see her nose is squished flat from the oxygen mask and also bruised purple from the NG tube and last night I again heard Stairway To Heaven when I woke up during the night(and now I'm stressed, anxious, fearful,and worried I'm sleeping even worse and waking up even more during the night than before) and I'm just a nervous wreck and barely functioning and 2 of the out-of-town/out-of-province kids are coming in Friday to see her(if they make it in time) and having them here will also only increase my stress,too, and I think the hardest too is the not knowing  what to expect(at least if you know what to expect it makes it easier to prepare); if  this really is The End or just the beginning on a long road to recovery but God has got us thru alot of trauma, hardships, and crisis before over the decades and I know that He will again.

We've survived alot worse.

One of my Facebook friends her mother is also in her last days as well(cancer) and it's even worse because she's only in her 20's and her son is only 3(at least I'm almost 58 and my kids are grown up) and her father died years ago, and exactly 2 weeks today is Christmas,too, but it's NOT feeling very "Christmas-y" with everything going on and my hubby and the 17 YR old also keep saying they're not having their Christmas until Feb. anyway when they all get together with the others in BC and Edmonton so I've decided to just "scale back" this YR for the holiday and NOT do the big dinner feast like I usually do. For one thing, I'm just NOT up for it, and they're not really into  it anyway, and I really don't need any additional stress,so I'll just give them their gifts and just cook the turkeys, stuffing and mini herbed potatoes(instead of the full spread) and the pumpkin pies from the bakery.

 I also heard this charity called Food For Kids  only I thought they said Food For Skids  and yesterday I smelled the powerful overwhelming scent of oranges that just permeated the entire room even though we don't even have any oranges in das Haus, and my hubby and 17 YR old got their airline tickets too on 3 different airlines; Porter, WestJet....and Air Canada , the worst  airline ever  I warned them about (but no one ever listens to me)so I told them they'll be sorry!Porter usually flies out of the Toronto island airport too and I wondered how they'd get to the island in the winter with the lake all frozen over but this time it's leaving from the reg. airport.

I miss who they used to be before but not who they are now.