Down To Write.

I feel extra "down" and I just thought writing might cheer me up a bit so here's another post for you.

I can tell you that the so-called "poison" berries do not work!! They are supposed to cause kidney damage leading to death, well....my ass! I took a lot of them days ago... and yet I'm still here.

I'm also questioning if I really am such a terrible, horrible, awful person like everyone always says I am (esp. my family) and makes me feel like I am because I also do compassionate and kind things as well such as feeding the birds and squirrels and pray for the stranger every time I hear a siren; things that terrible people just don't do, so does that mean that maybe they're just wrong and I'm really NOT such an awful person,afterall, or am I just complex?

My hubby also has a weekend chess tournament in Quebec later next month(maybe that will give me another opportunity to finally get it right?) and  if I'm still here at least I have the Foreigner concert at the end of the month, or more precisely, the "cover" band  somehow using their brand.😠

I also came across this picture(originally a GIF) of dog Trump and it made me laugh soooo much I even spit out my drink on my monitor, and I'm no longer going to watch Hudson & Rex anymore now of the new season,either, in protest of how they treated both  the "Charlie" character and the actor John Reardon, and it seems I'm not alone,either, and there's an increasing number of fans that are also outraged and boycotting it now,too!  I also wonder if I am dying soon and Beja can somehow "sense" it; that I'm already starting to "transition" over and only "part" of me is still here, changing my "aura" in a way he can detect (and that scares him?) and he knows  I'll be leaving soon so he's "detaching" and forming a new bond with someone else instead , already established before I'm gone,  maybe he doesn't really actually "hate" me but it's just a survival thing?

Beja was my "Back-Up Plan"for survival after Buddy died though,  and he did love me and help me heal for awhile but now he just ignores me as if I don't even exist and I'm all alone once again,so now what?

My asshole hubby also suggested he "put me in a Home" ( a LTC home like my mother was in) so I "wouldn't have to worry about things like that" such as house repairs and bills,etc. except I don't now; those are his responsibilities(he just wants to sell the house and get rid of me!!) and there's no way I want to go into LTC! My mother had  to because she required extra care  we couldn't provide and  she couldn't bathe or dress herself and was in diapers, etc. but I'd lose everything  in life I enjoy; no backyard anymore, no dog, no weed, no loud music, no privacy.

I better hurry up and die.

I can't die fast enough.

And it was that special type of craziness that exists on the twilight zone between brilliance and madness.-Jean-Marie Valheur

 

Musing For Today.

 

Set Up.

My hubby set me up!

He hung up his clothes on this makeshift clothesline in the livingroom (if you can believe it!!) and took a photo and sent it to all the kids setting me up asking them what they think my reaction would be when I see it, knowing that I would freak out, thinking it's tacky, low-class, redneck, trailer park, and Ghetto, like hanging your laundry outside, just like my mother always said as well, which I did (and I even threatened to cut it down,too) but the funny part was he actually did it the night before and I didn't even see it until the next day as I had already watched the news for the night and left the room and never went back so I never even saw it so there he was all eagerly excitedly waiting for my reaction and response and there was none because I hadn't even seen it yet or noticed, so ha ha on him! HA! Today is also Orange Shirt Day but no different for him as he always wears orange shirts every day,anyway.

There was also a bomb threat at a local strip mall here and it was evacuated but it was nothing, just someone being an asshole, and there was a bear at a nearby  Home Hardware parking lot as well, my guess getting ready for hunting season, ha,ha,  and Advil has this contest you can win free NFL tickets too and not only would I not even go if it was free they couldn't even pay me to go and someone named Bad Bunny is scheduled to perform as well and I have no idea who that even is. Is it some relative of Bugs Bunny, or what, and I heard as well Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco got married too and I'm over here like, Who the hell are  these people,anyway? I also call Beja Benny now as well, short for Benedict, as in Benedict Arnold the traitor ever since he sold me out to the 30 YR old and turned on me and now wants nothing to do with me anymore. and now I hardly even see much of him anymore,either.Now it's just like we have a dog in the house I see the odd time passing by ,not like with Buddy who was always by my side.

I also got more sunflowers(pictured here) and it's  hard to believe it's Thanksgiving in just 2 weeks as well (our first one without both my mother and Buddy and the same for Christmas,too)but I'm really not "up" for it and don't really even feel like celebrating or cooking and I think I'll just order the pumpkin pies from my friend's bakery. The same for Christmas as well; esp. considering it was just 3 days after Christmas that my mother died. It's also almost been 6 months since Buddy died and I realize I've only left the house 3 times.

I am not doing well.

Beja continues to be a little asshole as well; yesterday he wouldn't eat the meatloaf *I* gave him... but as soon as my hubby put it on his plate he gobbled it all up, so he just didn't want it from me ; he just hates me and yet I have no idea why. He used to love me and we'd connected and bonded and then he suddenly turned away and went off with the 30 YR old  and now ignores me and it really hurts. With Buddy there was NO DOUBT whose dog he was and who he loved most. He also has this toy I don't recognize(I assume he must have given him) which is an octopus only with one leg missing so I named it a septopus.

I also saw this photo and it reminded me soooo much of the "Preppy" boys I went to highschool with in the early to mid 80's; they looked just like this.😄My hubby also ruined my plans yesterday as well: I had originally planned  on trying to end it again, this time by electrocuting myself in the bathtub(so I could die in the water that I love so much).... and the timing was perfect too and I was supposed to be home all alone as the youngest was at his friend's house and the 30 YR old was out and my hubby was supposed to be at pickleball.....except it got cancelled for some reason.

Just MY "luck."

Doesn't it just "figure?"

As it turned out I couldn't find anything with a cord long enough to reach the wall outlet AND go into the tub, anyway ,except for my flatiron which I paid 200$ for over 20 YRS ago and I didn't want to ruin it, so I guess it'll just have to wait until a later time( and I really do also want to see how Tony & Ziva ends) and will just have to try again later and so I carry on and survive, just like I always have. I don't even want to bother going on a trip,either, as the hassle of  planning or going thru the airport stuff( check-in, baggage pick-up, going thru immigration, etc) just isn't "worth" the effort.

Nothing seems worth the effort anymore.

I also found this old photo of Buddy last year and it made me sad. 

I REALLY miss him.

He was all I had, the only one who ever really loved me, and the only reason to keep living and to stick around and to keep me here and now I have nothing left anymore. Even Beja doesn't love me or want anything to do with me so why am I even still here?

I also had 3 dreams lately the 26 YR old is prego so it will be interesting to see if she ends up the first of the kids to have a baby....

The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. Grief is the final act of loving someone.-Barbara Hinter

 

Pondering For The Day.

 

Letting Go.

Today is the day I might possibly die as I've always had this feeling that I'll die on the 29th...although I don't know exactly which 29th of which month or year( although February isn't as likely only once every 4 years) but I hope today will be the day, just as I hope every 29th when it comes around. I took this photo of the clouds yesterday and today it's going up to a glorious 25 C again and I had a hard time uploading the photos on the new computer( of course!) and even my hubby was stumped but he finally figured it out: the "language" of the photos on the iPod was apparantly different than the "language" of the computer so they couldn't "sync" so he simply changed the "language" of some of them so that they'd match and be compatable. I still couldn't find the photo this morning though as he'd had it in downloads , not exactly the place I'd look; I was looking at pictures, screenshots, etc.

I hate this shit.

How hard is it to just get my photos and music?

I still also have that splitting headache I had all day yesterday and it also feels like something's stabbing behind my left eye so maybe it's just my sinus, either that or perhaps an aneurysm or a stroke and I also smelled burnt coffee again this morning too even though no one else did and such "phantom smells" can indicate a brain issue  such as a stroke or tumour and I can't believe it's almost already October and we have 3 birthdays as well: the oldest turns 36, the 30 YR old turns 31 ( obviously) and my hubby turns 62( old man....ha,ha) and we also found out the cause of my hubby's chronic low potassium( he has to take supplements for or else he gets really sleepy and stupid-like) is his addiction to the red Twizzlers licorice; apparantly they deplete potassium! Who knew? I only like the black licorice myself. The red ones are gross.

Israeli PM Netanyahu also gave a propaganda speech at the UN trying to "justify" the genocide in Gaza and most people just walked right out, ha,ha, and I heard on the news there was something called a Bimbo Race  and it made me laugh as I thought it was a bunch of bimbos racing, you know, bimbos, like ho's, sluts, whores, hookers, skanks,putas....but it actually turned out to be sponsored by a bakery, a bread company named Bimbo (what a stupid name though!) collecting for the food bank! HA! Tomorrow is also Orange Shirt Day  for Truth & Reconciliation honouring the victims of the Indian Residential Schools so I have to try and find my orange shirt, likely buried at the bottom of the pile of clothes in my room.

Yesterday Beja was also crying outside the 30 YR old's bedroom door while him and his GF were....well, you know...and now it was annoying him, but he only has himself to blame for stealing him and now he wants to be with him all the time and completely ignores me.

He's created a monster.

It's his own fault and a problem that he caused even though he denies it and talks down to me, You just have to be kind and gentle with him and I told him, I've been nothing BUT kind and gentle to him!!  and he scoffed, If you SAY so.... implying that I'm NOT, which really hurts , and he wouldn't let me put his sweater back on,either(I took it off to wash) and he kept squirming, squawking and even tried to bite me,too, the little f*cker, so I had the 30 YR old try and even he couldn't,either. He also hasn't eaten his dog food in at least 2 weeks ( although he does eat other stuff we give him) and has lost weight and looks skinny now) and  he criticized me for not walking him,too, even though I can't walk anymore(I get out of breath) with my medical issues and he says His needs aren't being met even though he's a Chihuahua; a small dog that doesn't even need to be walked or  get alot of exercise and can even get enough exercise just running around an apartment.

No matter what I do(or don't do) it's still never enough or good enough and I'm honestly just tired of always trying and still never being enough  and always being criticized and blamed all the time and not having anyone love me and not really having any reason to live anymore, esp. not now Buddy's gone. He was my only real anchor and life-line..

 I just want to let go.

I'm also feeling "distant" from both the 30 YR old and Beja now and I don't really even "like" them much anymore now,either, the hurt is so deep, and I know  every time I pet him( he tries to jump down and run to the 30 YR old which breaks my heart) he imagines I'm  the 30 YR old and I pretend I'm petting Buddy.

I went to it at the end and the fairytale was lost. The thing to do was just plain square reality--sink gently in a sort of solitary, unnoticed way.-Stephon Robert

 

Monday Musings.

"Wrong hole!!"

"Eat it or starve. It's not a restaurant!"

Nothing they can do (shoo-be-doo) To separate I and I (shoo-be-doo) From the love of our Father.-Bob Marley

Actually, I AM a Communist, but you get the idea.

Ewwww!!!!

The pain of today has cancelled the sweetness of yesterday.-Brendan O'Brien