Yesterday as I was contemplating a flash of inspiration came into my head that maybe what affected the kids growing up (and what they blame me and hate me for)and what "damaged" them was that due to our almost always constant trauma-filled lives we were almost always living in survival-mode, just trying to survive and get thru each day; either trying to keep someone alive or stay safe from an enemy that threatened us for years(which always had us either on edge, on a high state of alert, vigilant, stressed, pre-occupied, distracted, living in fear, keeping secrets, worried, away with endless hospitalizations and medical appt's, disruptions, separations, dark clouds always hanging over us,worry someone might die, etc. as a result) and try and function as a family at the same time our lives were always filled with lots of tension, stress, fear,and worry. For us life was all about just trying to survive or be safe on a daily basis, and then when our financial issues began we also had to try to survive on very little after having having much which, of course was a difficult adjustment to make and all of a sudden we struggled to pay our bills and food had to be "rationed", to make sure we had enough for everyone and we had to make sure we divided it out evenly and everyone only got a certain amount to make sure we had enough for everyone, and I remember too how we were always prepared to flee at the last minute if our enemy should show up and the kids had a small bag packed ahead of time with essentials ready to go and then one day the time did finally come and we were all prepared and we had to secretly flee in the middle of the night from Ottawa, never to return(well, the 21 YR old did; she's an adult now and the danger passed years ago) so maybe having to live that way, always surrounded by constant trauma and threat and fear of danger hanging over you,living on the run and in hiding for all those years, does affect them even though it wasn't our fault and we were victims too and suffering right along with them; the traumas and crisises affected us all and we were all just trying to get thru them and survive and we did the best we could to try and protect the kids from it all but there's no doubt it would have affected them, and I worry too that our having to limit that no one ate too much to ensure that there was enough for all may have also contributed to their eating disorders as well and that makes me feel so badly, even though the reason we had to was to make sure everyone had enough to eat; that there was enough to go around.
My hubby said one of the kids actually likes redneck country music and hockey too and I'm just sooooo disappointed and I expected so much more from them and he said it's just something else they did to disappoint me but I guess it's kids' job to be a disappointment to their parents, and it's still soooo cold out Buddy had this diarrhrea and as soon as it hit the snow it froze! A Fudgsicle, and yesterday I was out the back smoking a doobie and a lady next-door came out in her yard and was loudly purposely coughing exaggerating complaining about the smell but I was like, Sorry, Lady; medical marijuana! and I mean, I was outside! Where does she think I'm going to smoke it? You also know the weed is good when you can feel what music sounds like, and now the Police State said they're considering extending the mask mandates and lockdown until June (didn't I tell you? I knew they were going to do that; to keep extending it making more excuses to keep it indefinitely so we'll never get life back as we once knew it) even though the Corona virus case numbers are falling( now Flu season is winding down) just yet another excuse to keep us oppressed and under submission and yet the Sheeple still don't see what's happening right in front of their very eyes and continue to let their freedoms just be taken away without protest.
I'm worried about the 17 YR old as well that she might be relapsing with her eating disorder she had 3 years ago but I'm not sure how to approach it as I don't want to appear "suspicious" or accusatory, but it concerns me as for the longest time now I've noticed she always has a band-aid on the same middle finger above the knuckle and it worries me she might be trying to hide bite marks from her teeth; that anorexics get from when they purge; when they force their finger down the back of their throat to vomit up their food it's so forceful that they end up with this permanant "dent" of teeth marks on their knuckle....I also noticed she previously long nails are now bitten and chewed down,too, a sign of anxiety and stress, so it worries me something's going on with her again but she never says anything and she won't speak to me and always denies whenever I ask anything but if she is starving herself or self-harming again she needs help and we have to get her back into therapy....but the thing is how do I know for sure and how do I find out without upsetting her even more?
