Musing For The Day.

Our Christmas.

I survived Christmas yesterday and it always feels like a chore,, something that has to be endured every year and Buddy felt the same as he was so overwhelmed with all the people, noise, activity and excitement he was scared and hid under the couch most of the day. I wish I could have done that too, just curled up somewhere and hidden. I felt really sick too and I still do esp. the killer headache. I didn't even eat dinner last night either just a couple of small mini potatoes as I had zero appetite plus my mother ate all the mayonnaise and I can't have my turkey without it. The photo above is my fave. Christmas gift this year as well: a little hippo the 25 YR old hand-made using his 3D printer. I just absolutely LOVE it and it's the most amazing cool thing ever and it's so shiny and it's means even more that he put so much time, dedication, effort and love into it. My brother-in-law and one of his sons was also here and one of the second-oldest's friends and one of the 18 YR old's friends was supposed to come over for dinner too except she was detained at the police station( no, it's not what you think; she was a witness to a crime) and never made it.

I got this (and the mega chocolate below) from the 21 YR old. I love it and it's sooooo me! When the 23 YR old and her BF arrived in the morning yesterday I greeted them with a cheery Merry Christmas! as well and he politely returned the greeting but she never did and just ignored me, rude as always and like other years she gave gifts to everyone ( all her siblings, her BF, my hubby and mother) except me  as well and the 16 YR old did as well, deeply hurting me as it's a really shitty thing to do to someone to exclude them like that, even more so on Christmas, and I'm not surprised about her because she's done that before and so I kind of expected it and that's just the kind of person she is but the 16 YR old I expected better and I've only ever loved her and we used to be really close and no one's ever loved her like I do and when I asked her about it, I didn't see a gift from you... her excuse was I didn't see anything.....I don't know what you like... which is shit because she knows very well I like hippos and even if she didn't have any $$$$ to buy anything ( which I also know isn't true since she has a job and got the 18 YR old something like 6 gifts alone) she could have just drawn  me a nice picture of a hippo or something and I would have treasured it because it came from the heart but nope....nothing, and it really wounded me, esp. coming from her and the way they treat me makes me want to kill myself. I just feel so unloved, so unwanted and so devalued in life, in my own family.

 I actually have a plan set in motion for when Buddy dies  I hope after several failed attempts will finally work and be quick so hopefully it won't hurt, or at least not for long. My instinct was also to get "back" at them for hurting me so deeply but decided against it since they're just not "worth" it and that would make me just as bad as they are so I just suffer silently, as it builds up and drives me closer and closer to suicide. I almost accidently took double the amount of pills in the morning too I was so out of it with the sickness and weariness I pourd it out into my hand from the daily pill dispenser and popped it into my mouth in the dark of the morning when I woke up but it felt odd in my mouth, like more pills than usual so I spat it out onto my hand and turned on the light and saw to my surprise there were twice as many as usual so somehow I must have accidently put 2 days' worth in the one compartment so I put half of them away and just took the usual daily amount but now looking back I should have just take them all.

I also got this massive chocolate bar from the 21 YR old (does he know me, or what?) and it's the good kind,too, not the cheap stuff, and ends up being something like 2 pounds of chocolate which should probably last me about a month or so, ha,ha, maybe less on Weed Days, and the 12 YR old asked me too Why are you so stupid? and I replied, Why are you so mean? and I can't help being stupid but he can help being mean,  and the running joke yesterday was that all the gifts were from the 18 YR old.

As well as the hippo quilt I mentioned before my hubby also got me this Def Lappard (one of my fave. bands) Christmas shirt, and today the second-oldest goes to Toronto to visit friends and flies back to BC tomorrow and she said the airfare was a whopping 1500$ too ( so thank God for Air Miles!) which is insane; Air Canada ( the f*ckers) are taking advantage of the holiday season and just ripping people off ( they suck!) and  domestic travel is so expensive in this country too and you can go to Hawaii, Asia and Australia for less than that! Holy shit! There have also been several little earthquakes on Vancouver Island since Monday too so it worries me that the Big One is coming soon so I hope it's either before  they go back or else not in the area they live in and that they'll be OK.

Buddy also got a toy for Christmas.

I got this cute pink hippo ( I still haven't thought of a name for her yet but I will) from the second-oldest and 18 YR old combined and at first it was a husky dog. Let me explain: it's a reversible toy with a flap on it you turn over that turns into a hippo or reverses into a husky but when I first saw it it was a husky and I'm like, Oh, a husky.....wondering silently in my head, Why the hell did they get me a husky when I like Chihuahuas and Dachshunds and I don't even like Huskies? and then they said to flip it the other way,and lo and behold it was this adorable pink hippo and I was like, ooooh! it's a HIPPO! I LOVE it! and in a split second disappointment turned to joy and things are not always as they seem.I love it!

My mother got me this box of chocolates and I ate the entire box yesterday.

Table set for dinner and it looks ghetto as we had to add extra plates this year that don't match as our china set only has 12 settings and we had more people but hey, at least it's not disposable paper plates like my hubby suggested.

Some of the feast, minus the turkeys etc. FYFF. FEED YOUR FAT FACE.

This was totally unexpected as well: the 25 YR old ex-GF in California even gave me and Buddy gifts too(she sent gifts to all of us!): these cute Doxie soxie and he got a squeaky toy. Some of my own kids didn't even get me gifts yet she did and it was very touching.It was such a nice thing to do and was extra special considering, and the 23 YR old and I have never been close and there's always been a distance between us and we never really bonded and the reason is because of the fire; she was just 3 weeks old when it happened and I was always off with the contractors checking progress of the house, or off buying replacement furniture, appliances, housewares, picking out carpeting, drapes, paint, wallpaper, etc. so our house would be ready to move back in to and we could get out of the motel ( we stayed for 10 weeks) and only coming back every 2-3 hours to feed her and then I was off again and I was run ragged plus I was also suffering from PTSD from the fire itself and I was a wreck but I did my best considering the circumstances and she grew up to be dark and spooky and Goth and I never could relate to her and her Dark Side always unnerved and rattled me.

Wordless Wednesday.

Today's Truth.

Strep Turkey.

Today is Christmas morning and so far I'm (and Buddy) the only one up and I'm just enjoying the quiet and peace before the chaos begins. I also took Buddy out for his early morning walk before sunrise and not a soul was outside; it was just us and it was completely silent out there, not a sound and it was just so peaceful and serene and I got to spend the time alone with God in thought and prayer. Yesterday I also sat by candlelight, enjuoying the scent of Hazelnut Cream( which actually smells like caramel) beside the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, and reading my devotionals and I'm sick now too; later yesterday I caught the Plague going thru the house and my fever was so bad during the night I even had to take off my shirt and sleep topless. I was also woken up at 3 am with a really bad leg cramp and the 25 YR old  started feeling worse after starting to feel better( which is always a warning sign complications set in) and went to the clinic and it turns out he has Strep Throat so he got anti-biotics and he called in sick at work and they didn't believe him, thinking he was just taking the day off so he got a doctor's note and they should be thanking him for NOT coming in to work and infecting the entire store with Strep and he had to help lift the heavy turkeys into the oven too so now I joke we'll all have Strep Turkey for Christmas dinner.

One of the second-oldest's friend's from university is also over for a visit and she brought a turkey as well so now we have 7 turkeys and we got 3 pumpkin pies from a local bakery owned by friends from the old church and we were supposed to wait until today but I couldn't help myself and snuck a piece yesterday it's just so good( as well as my fave. pie) and it wasn't even a weed day(if it was I probably would have eaten the whole pie), and last night we were looking for the 6 cheeses we got to go with the various crackers too but could only find 2 of them....it turned out that the 25 YR old and my hubby had eaten them all before, so we had to send him out last-minute( just 30 min. before the stores closed since that's when we went looking for the cheese and noticed! That was close!) to replace it,  and it grosses me out as well my mother said she got the stocking stuffer toys at the thrift store (I call the Peasant Store) and so they're second-hand and used, meaning some toddler likely had it in their mouth chewing and sucking on it at some point....and it's just....yuck....nasty...gross...but she made me swore not to tell anyone and they don't read this anyway so no one will ever know and it's just our little secret.....and now yours..

This is also the cool Bob Marley Lava lamp my hubby got my for my birthday which is in just over a week. It came the other day and I LOVE it. it's just so me; Marley, Rasta, hippie, groovy...I also got a closer look at the 23 YR old and her hips and butt look wide like when you're prego so it really does make me wonder esp. since she's always been really thin before( although she did also have an eating disorder too so maybe now she's just healthy and eating and weighing the way she should be?) and her and her BF were showing us their circus-like stunts like handstands and stuff they learn at their acrobatics class(it was really cool and reminded me of when I was younger and used to do gymnastics) and I doubt she'd be doing that if she was prego though due to the risk it poses to the baby; like when I was prego I wouldn't even stand on a step-ladder or even take a Tylenol, for example, so maybe not...

As for this ending year, the best things and highlights for me was going to Jamaica, seeing KISS live in concert ( both things on my Bucket List) and getting to see the 21 YR old after 3 years.

Merry, Merry, Ho, Ho, Ho!

Daily Thought.