Wordless Wednesday.

 

Daily Musing.

 

Rat Thing.

Yesterday it was really hard watching Beja ( who the 31 YR old lovingly calls Rat Thing) and the 31 YR old. We were all in the same room together and he kept sitting with him even though I was there,too, trying desperately to get him to come over to me and he was eating and he was mooching off him and he was torturing the poor thing by only giving him a small morsel and making him wait  and not giving him any more and he was really hungry as well(and I could tell) and it seemed to me like some sort of sick game where he revelled in having power and control over him and I also had his food with me(he hadn't eaten yet all day) which was turkey and ground pork( the 31 YR old was eating turkey and ham, so it was almost the same thing) which I offered to him and yet even so he still stayed with him and refused to come over to me  or eat my food I had for him even though I was actually going to feed him and that really hurt.

 At least once he moves out in a few days I'll finally have my dog back.

Beja's all I have and it doesn't even feel like I have him.

 It also hurt watching them loving on eachother while I'm sitting over here desperately wanting my dog to love me, all alone. It doesn't even feel  like he's my dog but just the family dog in the house and I get to spend time with him every now and then when there's no one else. He just merely "settles" for me and it breaks my heart. It also makes me feel unlovable and like such a loser; even my own dog  prefers someone else over me,  and I'm not even his fave. person ,and even later when I did have him he still kept looking for him.

That just breaks my heart like nothing else.

I really don't have anyone anymore and really am all alone.

What do I even still live for?

This is also my friend S(from grade 8)'s cute new mini Bulldog. His name is Axyl. I also remember my mother telling me her grandmother had a Bulldog and my mother was a baby out on the lawn on a blanket with the dog when a rat came by and the dog took off after it and caught it and killed it, protecting her. Today I'm also making Ambrosia for New Years with the real whipped cream, diced fruit cubes and marshmallows, and my hubby also has the nerve to expect me to make a dish for their NYE Potluck just him and 2 of the boys are going to tonight at their friends' that I wasn't even invited to and aren't going to and he thinks nothing of it but I find it insulting; it feels like You're not welcome but we'll just use you for your food.

The story of my life.

Never wanted, welcome, or incl.

People always just want and need stuff from me  and use me but they never actually want me.

Say goodbye to the Christmas tree because this the last day( and for the outdoor lights and all the decor,too) as it comes down tomorrow and being I was born at the beginning of the year( my birthday is in 4 days; I turn 59) I also wonder if I'll die at the end of the year? Today would be nice, on NYE, and it also gives me the perfect opportunity to try it again since everyone will be out tonight, and goodbye December and goodbye 2025.....

and good riddance!

Glad to see you go!!!!

This is also our vines coated in ice from the other day and yesterday we were the only ones on our block to have the garbage put out for pick-up, for the re-vised day this week.....and they did  pick it up( we missed it last week as they changed days and we never knew) and we had sooooo much after 2 weeks we had 2 garbage cans and 6 recycling only they left half the recycling behind as they were all frozen and stuck in the bins! This is also a good example of why you shouldn't follow the crowd. We were also the only ones who made pick-up this week. I also heard Stairway To Heaven  again on the radio and my birthday is soon and I have no idea what I even want for my gift from my hubby as really the only thing I even want is just to be on the Other Side with Buddy and my mother.

I still sometimes feel like I am worthless and an absolute f*ck up because if my own kids don't love me who will?-Jennifer Alper

 

Truth For Today.

 

New Years Steve.

Today is New Years Eve eve, or as we call it ( because we're weird like that) New Years Steve.  Only 2 more days left for the Christmas tree, decor, and outdoor lights as well which is actually kind of sad. It's always sort of sad to see them go. Tomorrow is the last day and then they come down. We also order-in Chinese food for New Years but get it the night before because it's always so busy on New Years itself we can never get thru. It was also sooooo icy and windy yesterday all the roads and sidewalks and streets were covered in a thick layer of ice and Beja refused to even go out to pee all day and one of our light-up snowmen fell over and we lost power for a short while as well but some 60K people had it knocked out  for a long time and trees and power lines were down. It was baaaaad. 

 Today, just like last week, we're also the only ones who have our garbage out for pick-up, and today is *supposed* to be the revised day for this week......so either we're wrong again or the only ones this week that will get the pick-up and everyone else will miss it like we did last week....

This is also some gourds left-over from the fall we still have pictured above that lasted this long until it started to get really cold and are now starting to get spots on them and I'll have to throw out soon.

I also love this ring(shown here) and dress(shown below) and I almost posted my Wordless Wednesday today,too, thinking today was Wednesday at first (duh!)as both this week and last week is just a big blur and I never know what day it is between Christmas and New Year holiday season and esp. with my hubby off work, and the 31 YR old is eager and excited to start his new course and new path in life and to meet new people and he might also do really well with his eyelash business on campus as well and get lots of clients and he can set it up right there in his dorm! I also finally found out what happened at his old job with his ex-boss and it's wasn't his fault at all and I can't say anything as there's an ongoing lawsuit but let's just say that the ex-boss turned out to NOT be the good guy/nice guy that we all thought he was(which is actually really disappointing) and just more proof again that people aren't as they seem and that you really can't trust anybody.

My friend S( from grade 8) also got a cute Bulldog puppy  for her and her family(she's always loved dogs for as long as I've known her, just like I do; it's what bonded us) and the 31 YR old calls Beja "Little Rat Thing" affectionately as well and I wish he could love me more so I could bond with and love him more but it's hard when he only bothers with me  for food and when there's no one else around; I feel so used,  and for the past 2-3 weeks or so I haven't had much appetite and only eat half what I used to so it must be my liver acting-up again as it makes me not have much appetite, and my hubby says the second-oldest takes her eggs out of the container "wrong",too; that she just randomly picks one out instead of "in the 'correct' order" whatever that means. I just randomly grab mine,too. Maybe it means that we're just "disordered" or that we simply colour "outside the lines" and "think outside the box?" Or, maybe we're just NOT OCD like he is?

I also can't wait for this year to end and it can pretty much be summed up like my life: just trying to survive.

It feels very unnatural to let yourself suffer like that in a conscious way.-Martine Hendrickx

 

Tuesday Thoughts.

Buddy forever. You were my heart-dog, my soulmate, the best friend I ever had.

He was also my entire life and my reason for living.

My hubby just fell asleep!😡

Don't forget diddler,too!

It's like with a vegan cat; we all know who made that decision.

It's the law,too, so much "Canadian content" required in media, and we even pay for being indoctrinated too by our taxes!

Maybe certain people are destined to live without any brightness in their lives.-Aaron Robertson

I have no f*cks to give.

Suicide is the last symptom of a major disease. It's that point where your sitting on the edge and if the smallest breeze goes by then you'll fall.-Tiphnie N VanHentenryck

Music is the soundtrack to my life.