The "God Thing."

Yesterday when the oldest sent me that e-mail threatening me to reveal family 'secrets" ( which really aren't secrets at all, just merely things that we don't "advertise" or go around telling people and that we hid from the kids when they were little as we wanted to shield them from adult trauma and stress, not wanting to burden, worry,and scare them, wanting them to be able to just enjoy being kids and to keep their innocence and to try and maintain as normal a family life as possible) he also tore into me for raising the kids in faith,too, with religion, to believe in God, to go to church, to have morals, ethics and values, or what he describes as brainwashed in a religious cult headed by an imaginary ghost and saying he's upset the way they were raised, that is, in religion, which really hurt me as to me my faith is the strongest and most important and meaningful thing that I have and that I have always  had all thru my entire life, and, the guiding force in my life, in fact, is the only  thing that has got me thru so much trauma and hardship in life and the only reason I'm still alive and here today and it's important to me to raise my kids in faith too, and to believe in, follow and worship God, and to be raised with a strong moral compass and to be able to make it to Heaven and as a mother also part of my duty; my vocation to raise Godly children; not only do I co-operate with God in creating  them and offering them life it is also my responsibility to raise them for Him and I did (as well as homeschooling which is also a part of that as well as for other reasons) and I did and now it wounds my heart to see that all but one has totally abandoned God  and not only no longer worship but no longer even believe  in Him anymore either and are now atheists and even go as far as to mock Him and religion and ridicule me  for my  faith, knowing how much it means to me and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like I've not only failed as a mother but like I also failed God  because despite my best efforts most of them have all turned away, although the "seed" has been planted so to speak and perhaps over time it can still take "root" and grow and God is known for miracles so maybe.....one day....and I continue to pray for them every day to come back to Him.....

As well, the oldest also said he had come into 7 figures and at first I didn't even know what that was and had to Google it; apparantly it means around a million $$$ and he didn't; it was just a ploy to try to get me to "confess" but I didn't even care about the $$$ and when he said that my first thought was actually, Ooh, good, now he can finally pay off his student loan! my biggest concern was when he said he was going to cut me out of his life, esp. since he's always been one I've felt closest to and everyone I've ever loved has always left me and I couldn't bear it yet again, and he really messed with my head yesterday and it really shook me up and I'm still rattled today. It was also 26 C yesterday and supposed to be the same today(yay! like summer!) and then start to cool off but I'm outside(still suntanning!) enjoying it while I can and I was right: The Beast didn't move and is still next-door,too: yesterday I heard it's distinctive bark and then I saw it in the window. Shit.

My mother also had a blood sugar of 16 and no wonder: she downs 6 big bottles of sugary Coke and 2 boxes of chocolate each week and I told her she shouldn't even be having that with her diabetes and no wonder she always feels like crap and then she tries to "justify" it as I need it! and I told her, You DON'T need it; you want it; there's a difference! and then she barked at me she doesn't need me telling her what to eat and what to do, etc. and I told her I'm just trying to keep her alive, and the 17 YR old said I should put Buddy "down" because he's old and sleeps all the time( even though he still enjoys life; he still plays, goes for his walks, eats, enjoys being outside,etc) and I told her by her "logic" then I guess we should put "down" my mother too because she's old,too; nearly 80 and all she does is lay around in bed all day,too....

Speaking of Buddy, last night at 3 am I woke up with a feeling something was wrong so I checked him and he was grunting softly and kept gaping his mouth open and I picked him up and then he went limp and floppy like a rag doll and unresponsive in my arms and I was pretty sure that this was it....but then shortly later he perked up almost as if he was re-animated and plugged-in again or re-charged, so maybe he was just unconscious but my heart just sank and now I'm scared to sleep at night afraid he'll die during the night and I'll wake up and find him dead beside me in bed,and this morning his shits are back to normal turds( no more diarrhrea) but he still had a bit of blood at the end when he clamped it off but not mixed in with the shit itself, so maybe he just has an anal fissure or something? I woke up out of a dream too hearing the words and with the impression of cancerous lesions on the liver but I'm not sure if it was referring to him or me as we're both so closely entwined and today my stomach does really hurt too( not nauseated but hurts, like when you had a tummy-ache as a kid, or like when your waistband of your pants is too tight) which is in the liver area and I know I do  have liver issues so it could be referring to me...

I also finally tried the new KFC chicken sandwich and with tax it was over 7$ (we're always over-charged for everything in this country) and it was good( my hubby said it stinks, which he always says about my food as anything with spice or that tastes good he refers to as "stinky") I just took the pickles off because pickles are gross and even though we didn't even open or use the pool this season( even though it was sure HOT enough to swim every day practically we still had to close it, incl. draining the water level down half-way so it can freeze and turn to ice and  expand in the winter without cracking and damaging the pool so we had this long hose snaking down our driveway for hours draining water out down into the sewer grate on the road in front of our house using the pump, sort of like you'd do if your basement was flooded.