Chuckle For The Day.

 

Re-Post From Last Year At This Time.

 

Hurt.

I'm hurt. I'm just really hurt, and I'm just really tired of hurting. Not only my chronic daily acute abdomenal and back pain ( and my back pain is soooo bad it's off the charts, now a 8/10 on the pain scale it feels like my spine is going to break) I have to constantly have the heating pad on it and smoke flower( weed) and take hits on my vape  for pain relief I wonder if it's just severe arthritis on my spine or (more likely considering the severity of the pain now for the past 3 days) something(such as an adrenal tumour?) pressing on my spine causing pain? I can hardly even bend down at all now the pain's so bad and now I also hurt in my heart too as I just found out my mother's been stealing my $$$!! With her pension she buys the groceries and with my monthly $$$ I get I pay the bills( hydro, water, gas, etc) and my hubby pays for the car and yesterday she let it slip that the hydro bill was 200$ less than usual ( even though I pay the bills with my $$$ she manages and controls  the finances incl. my $$$ as I can't do math and don't understand banking etc. so I hand it over to her and she divides it out) so she said she now has 200$ to pay towards her  new glasses..... hey.... wait a minute here.... that's MY $$$$!!! Who does she think she is  using MY left-over $$$$ to pay for her expenses when I  struggle and never have any $$$ left over after paying bills and my medication( weed) to buy anything for myself? and then it suddenly hit me; all the time she "comes across" this so-called "extra" $$$ she "finds" for expenses it came out of MY  $$$ all along that I had "left-over" from paying bills that cost a bit less each month....meanwhile here I am struggling thinking I never had anything left over for my own expenses, not even enough to buy shampoo,deoderant, clothing, etc. I don't even have $$$ to buy Christmas presents....meanwhile here she is spending MY $$$$$ , stealing it from right under me all this time!!! WTF?  Needless to say I feel so hurt, so betrayed , always used, betrayed and hurt by the ones I trust,

Every single time.

I can't even explain what that feels  like; to have your own mother stealing from you. A knife twisting in your heart doesn't even begin to describe it. I just want to die. The hurt, the sorrow, the betrayal just cuts and hurts so deep. I guess now I'm just going to have to stop her access to my bank account and transfer it over to my hubby and have him pay  the bills for me online just like he does for her as I obviously can't trust her anymore to have access to my $$$$. At least that way I'll know what I have left-over each month and be able to actually access  and spend my own $$$$. Her sad "excuse" is  that it's all "pooled together" ( her $$$ and mine) as 'family expenses" but that's my  income and she doesn't have the right to just take  whatever she wants from it, esp. without even asking and esp. when I never have anything left  of my own $$$$ to spend myself!!

As well, yesterday the kids also all ganged-up on me and were ridiculing me for saying that as long as you have a heart beat you are still alive and even if you're brain-dead as long as your heart beats your body is still alive and if you stop that heart beat you have killed a life and the 26 YR old was the worst saying I'm stupid and brain-dead and he called me a Smooth-brained anti-vaxxer flat-Earther and it was really hurtful, esp. coming from him because I always considered him to be one I was close to and to have him berate and belittle me like the others do was really hurtful and broke my heart and they all think I'm crazy and stupid but 2 things I do know without a doubt no matter how much they make fun of me for is that God is real and that as long as your heart is beating you are still alive.

When you feel like you want to die, you don't really want to die. You just don't want to live the life you have.

Check this out: a gigantic Caltalpa leaf from the neighbour's tree! Look at the sheer size of it, compared to my hand! Isn't it huge? Probably one of the biggest leaves I've seen! My mother also had her annual eye exam and needs new glasses that cost 300$ we have to find the $$$ for and my hubby got the snow tires on the car,too, probably just in time by the looks of it, and yesterday as I walked Buddy by the pitbull he barked at first not realizing it was him( as he's the only dog he doesn't bark it) and then saw who it was and stopped barking; Buddy must be the Alpha  and the pitbull defers and submits to him as the senior and it's kind of funny when you think about it, that my little old Dachshund is the Big Man on Campus, one of the Popular Kids, and I wonder if he might have diabetes,too( common in older Dachsunds) as he's been really thirsty lately and ravenously hungry, too, always telling me he wants to eat and scrounging off the carpet and floor eating whatever he can find and always mooching off everyone and my hubby even asked me Are you starving your dog? which are signs of diabetes so I'll increase his exercise and add leafy greens, fibre, and complex carbs to his diet and he already has high protein as I only feed him real beef and chicken. The 17 YR old also wants to get a fake ID but not to sneak into bars and clubs but to get into the Trampoline Park as you have to be 19!

Today's Pondering.

 

Garden Hose.

Guess who is the "lucky" f*cker that gets to basically get a garden hose shoved up their ass next month? Me! Yesterday I got this big fat letter in the mail from the hospital in the nearby city that says I'm scheduled for another colonoscopy the end of next month! I had one 4 years ago and they removed a polyp that was really bleeding, and colon polyps are usually pre-cancerous and also put you at increased risk for colon cancer plus I also have many cases of colon cancer in my mother's side of the family as well( and they all died of it) so I guess my GP decided it was time for another test again and referred me to the gastro specialist and now here I am. It's an answer to a prayer though as I had been asking God for answers; to tell me what has been causing my increasing abdomenal and other pain, so maybe this is it? maybe the colonoscopy will give me some answers, esp. if they do find  something?What I hate the most isn't the actual procedure itself(as they put you to sleep, thankfully) but the prep before as 3 days before there's certain foods you can't eat such as corn and seeds and then the day before you can't eat any solid foods, only liquids and you have to take mega laxatives and drink this awful colon cleanse thing(the worst of it all!) that rips your colon apart and makes you shit like a volcano; I mean, it just angrily spews out and sprays all over(have you ever seen a hippo spray its shit marking territory? Just imagine that),and mine was so fierce I was even spraying blood out my ass and the entire toilet water turned all red!They also said they test you for COVID upon admission,too, and I wonder if you fail or if they find out you haven't had the vaccine (the Mark Of The Beast) if they cancel the procedure(so you could even have colon cancer or something and they'd miss it because they cancelled the test) and they also said if you cancel less than a week before they charge you 300$ too, but what if you just wake up that day or the day before and you're sick? I just you just have to "hide" it and fake it, to save yourself 300$?

I swear our neighbours at the back their dog must be one of those drug-sniffing police dogs as well as every time I'm out the back smoking weed it barks like crazy, but only  when I'm out there toking up, not when I'm just sitting outside on my porch, and their security light goes on and they come out to look and then I can inagine them thinking, Oh, it's just the neighbour out there smokinh weed again and they go back inside but the dog keeps on barking but it only barks when I exhale a plume of smoke,so I guess whenever it picks up the scent, and it always makes me laugh too that people are worried every year that marijuana edibles will be snuck into their kids' Halloween (Satan's Day) candies as well; do they even realize how expensive those things are? Why would anyone just give them away to some random kid for free? I mean, really, people,and it's funny when I look back as well; as a kid I fantasized of marrying a European Nobleman when I grew up and even drew pictures of our wedding,etc. and  never aspired to be, or thought I'd ever be, a pothead, but in reality here  I am killin' it,  and Buddy was sleeping and he was snoring so loud too that he scared himself awake! My hubby also staunchly refuses to believe that the vaccine is sinister in any way, is part of any agenda, is dangerous, or that people are being coerced and indoctrinated into getting it, even though it's sooo obvious to me and other "enlightened" ones, it just infuriates me,and he says that he's the "smart" one? He's just in denial and refuses to believe it and face relaity and he's like an ostrich with it's head in the sand.

When you're on the edge you have a view that most other people never have a chance to ever see.

 

Daily Laff.

 

Insta-Gram.

Yesterday was one of my fave. days: National Chocolate Day so naturally I celebrated it accordingly, incl. the most chocolate Blizzard from DQ.  I also checked out the newest legal weed dispensary in town and they deliver too(for 8$ which I find to be reasonable since one of my medical suppliers charges 10$ for mail shipping and this one is right to your door in 90 minutes and it was actually in just 30 minutes!)  and I tried a disposable vape pen(I have just had the standard vapes with the cartridges you screw onto the rechargable batteries) and I got 12 pre-rolled joints( because I can't roll for shit  between my unco-ordination due to my autism and joint stiffness from my Rheumatoid Arthritis) that cost less than just a pack of 5 of them do from my usual supplier and they're more potent as well; 90% THC instead of just 26% so better for pain relief(and my pain has been worse lately) and last night the pain under my right rib was back worse again too so I tried one of the new doobies......and....wow.....just...wow....they're bigger,too, and it didn't take too long for me to notice  the difference; normally I just smoke and do back to my business but this time my body was having none of it and just "checked out" and I had to go and lay down before I floated away(ha,ha) and needless to say I had the best sleep ever  last night and I was pain-free for a whole 6 HRS,too! It was such superior quality too it never even really smelled like typical "skunky" weed smell either and my hubby even asked, What's that smell? Did someone burn something in here? because he didn't recognize it as the typical weed smell. HA!

What do you call a weed dispensary service that delivers?

Insta-gram!

Buddy and I were able to sit outside for fresh air yesterday too(I just love this photo of us) but only for an hour because it got kind of cold and today he has gross watery diarrhrea that just squirts right out plus blood that comes out afterwards again, and the neighbours next door took all the seats out  of the school bus in their yard too I wonder if they're going to fill it up with explosives or something and use it as a bomb for a terrorist attack or something, or maybe as a camper or for haulage/ moving perhaps, and one of my cousins is also in Edinburgh for work and I just love  Edinburgh,too; it's such a nice beautiful old city and one of my fave. places in Europe as well as Santorini in Greece and the Amalfi Coast in Italy, and since he already lives in Europe anyway I wonder if he even needs his passport to go there, or if he still does because he's flying? The purple rash thing on my leg is healing too; it's smaller now and now more a dark red colour and the raised scabs are now flat and have a dot in the middle and it looks like an island chain actually, all connected and I wonder too if maybe it was some kind of "warning" maybe, telling me a stroke, blood clot or aneurysm perhaps is coming soon, either there or elsewhere?

This is also one of my fave. photos of the kids when they were younger. It was taken in 2007 and they're now 14 and 18 years old. This was when they used to love me and the way I like to think of them and remember them best, the good times, the happy times.

Be like a short one dancing tall.

 

Truth For Today.

Unlike your kids.

 

Blizzard Day.

Today is DQ Blizzard  day for charity(and God loves the charitable!) for sick kids in the hospital so guess what we're getting later today after my hubby finishes work? If they still have the pumpkin one I'll get that and if not then the most chocolate-y chocolate one they have.You don't need to convince me to have one and for charity,well then, all the better! Buddy and I have also been lucky enough to be able to sit outside in the sun for a couple of hours the past 2 days as well; it's been 12 C but tomorrow is supposed to be our last day(until spring, unless we die before then) and then it gets back in to the single digits and more rain again and they said next week maybe even.....yes....I absolutely loathe  to say it.....but, gasp!...The F-Word: flurries! Against my better judgement last night I also ate pasta with this old Pesto sauce but I was hungry and there was nothing else to eat so I ate it anyway and it didn't take long until I started feeling sick, although I may also just be getting the virus my hubby and the 27 YR old are getting over,too esp. since I slept in late yesterday until 8 am and I have had a headache every day now for the past few days,so....

I also had to carry Buddy back from his walk this morning as well; he wanted to do his full walk but then he was just too tired to make it back and he just stood there and looked up at me sadly like Well? so I picked him up and carried him the rest of the way home and all he does lately is sleep all day too and he keeps licking dirt as well and the soggy wet porch carpet out back and he can't seem to eat out of his dish anymore now,either(maybe it hurts his mouth somehow?) so I have to hand-feed him but I don't mind as long as he eats( and he's completely gone off the dog food now and hardly eats much else,either) and the 22 YR old also surprised me saying as a kid that she  also had some of the same fears that I did as a kid,too: of quicksand, pirhannas, and Bermuda Triangle(and the funny thing is, as many times as I have flown and sailed to the Caribbean as an adult it never even occurred  to me about it, that I might be in that area and I had completely forgotten about it), only I also  had one of earthquakes as well( after watching that movie) and of rabid dogs under my bed, after actually seeing 2 rabid dogs, foaming at the mouth and blood all over the snow fighting in our school yard at recess one time and we got called inside early and Animal Control was called.It was a scary thing to see, esp. for a little kid who loves dogs. I also saw on the news yesterday too a small plane made a (safe) emergency landing on a highway in Toronto! Now that's not  something that you see every day!

My hubby also went to look for a new office chair except they were 600$! 600$ just for a computer desk chair! Needless to say he never ended up getting one, and I noticed as well a school bus suddenly appeared in the neighbour's yard next-door so I figured someone's either a school bus driver now or( more likely, knowing them) someone stole it, but the weird thing is this morning I also noticed that they had taken all the seats out which I think is strange, and it's sad too how growing up my mother and I were close, until I had kids of my own and she took over and over-stepped boundaries and we became enemies and it ruined our relationship, and for me happiness is only ever fleeting, temporary; I've had happy times and happy moments, but it never lasts for long, and if my Babushka is able to look down from Heaven and follow along with my life I think she would feel sad; sad to see how unhappy I am and how much pain I'm in,both physically and emotionally, that my kids hate me, I'm in an unhappy marriage and that the only one that loves me is my dog. She's also be upset I smoke weed( ha,ha) and that I left the Catholic Church,too, although being in Heaven and having all wisdom maybe now she'd also know it's false and be happy  for me I got out,too? If I didn't have autism, bipolar, etc. and finances weren't an issue my dream life would also be: just Buddy and I live by the beach in Jamaica (my Happy Place)so I could watch the sun set on the beach every night and swim every day and I'd have a big garden out back with palm trees and all my fave. flowers: sunflowers, iris, peonies, lilacs, roses, lily of the valley, hollyhocks, zinneas, gladiola, tulips, purple hyacynth, etc. and if I could dare ever dream of a True Love,too; someone who sees something in me worth loving and sees something in me that no one else does.

I do not co parent with the government, public health, school boards or education unions. Neither should you. Protect your kids at all costs.- Someone on Twitter named Lisa.

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Thought For The Day.

 

Wise Wednesday Words Of Wisdom.

 

Today's Musing.

 

Pith.

I learned a new word: pith: Fun Fact: the yucky white stringy stuff in-between an orange( or any citrus fruit) and the skin that everyone always picks off is called the pith. So now you know. You learn something new every day. You're welcome. It also just goes to show that no matter how long you've known a language that you never know all  the words and you can still always learn new ones. Both yesterday and today are also dull, rainy, yucky icky dreary days where you just don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings and all you want to do all day is light candles and just hunker down snuggling under your nice warm blankets and hibernate. It's also been a cold 0 C in the mornings too and Buddy has to wear his wool sweater and I have to wear a hat and mitts and the furnace has even come on,too, which depresses me and I'm so cold out there smoking weed too I feel like the Little Match Girl  in that Hans Christian Anderson tale I remember from my childhood; trying to keep warm by my lighter, or in her case by matches(it was my first early exposure with homelessness and you don't want to know the ending). I like to sit out on the back porch at night toking(and there's nothing more peaceful  and healing than inhaling a nice mouthful of warm smoke) too and looking up at the stars at night,esp. once they start moving around, but at least the good thing about once it gets colder is no more flies, wasps, or mosquitoes for a few months,either though! Sad,too: I know someone who raised her young son naturally; among nature, organic, non-vaccinated, in a commune, exploring nature, free-reign, he was allowed to play naked, etc.It was beautiful, and they took him away from her. The world is very cruel to those  of us that aren't mainstream.

I still have that purple thing on my leg too but the elevated scabby part is now flatter so hopefully it's healing and maybe it could also be a blood clot, some sort of cancer, or even a Brown Recluse spider bite but in any case I'll show it to the doc when I see him next week(along with the lump on that same foot) if it's still there, and yesterday my stomach hurt,too; not nausea but pain, and my mother worried me this morning too moaning and groaning in her sleep I thought there might have been some medical issues but it turned out she was just having some hot sex dream! HA! At 80! I wonder if  she was getting it on with Ricardo Montalban,Omar Sharif, or Harry Belafonte or some other hot old guy? 🤣 My hearing is much worse as well as this moring the DJ on the radio sounded like he was talking in "slow motion" and I didn't even hear the sounds on the washing machine as I was changing the settings,either; usually they make a beeping sound...Buddy's not quite "himself" lately either; he hardly eats much anymore( he used to be a pig) pees in his sleep and yesterday kept licking a pile of dirt,too. Maybe he's just getting senile  in his old age, poor guy?

I also returned and got a refund for my calendars from Amazon  as well and I feel badly returning them, rejecting them like how I've always been rejected, but at the same time I also won't be ripped-off or "settle" again and I won't be a "victim" anymore in life, but I have to say, to their credit, that they were very good about returns and refunds though, I have to give them that, and it was quick,too, and I wondered the other day as well how come Cinderella's father allowed  her evil step-mother and sisters to treat his daughter so badly too; why didn't he just kick their asses to the curb, and and I admire my cousins as well; they got married right of highschool and now in their 70's and still together and tell eachother I love you every day. There still are some happy marriages and love stories that really do exist and then you have shallow, vapid shows like The Bachelor  where they only ever have attractive people on; you never see any ugly  people there looking for love( although it's debatable if it's really love  or just raw sex...)

Tomorrow is my hubby's 58th(almost 60! he can retire soon the old fart!) birthday and he always says I'm "old" when he's 4 years older than me, and even though I have way more medical issues than he does he'll still always be older  than me no matter what( until I die first) and yesterday he went to the store so I asked him to pick me up some incense and he claimed he "couldn't find" it which I know is just a crock of shit because it's next to the candles,in the aisle beside the cards, the same place it's always been for over the past 10 years; he just didn't bother because he hates my incense and calls it that smelly stuff , even though I find it calming and relaxing and it helps me sleep at night,and I hate it too how he always drinks right out of the milk container as well and it would be bad enough if he was finishing it off but even a brand new one he opens it up and drinks right out of it and then puts it back in the fridge for someone else! Ewww! he's such an uncouth, uncultured loser! We do have cups for a reason! It was also Tom Petty's 71st birthday the other day,too, but he died a few years ago and his, David Bowie and Eddie Van Halen's death's affected me the most,and the 22 YR old had a sleep study done for sleep apnea too which runs in our family and it will also reveal any nocturnal seizures(like I also have) and she's getting testing for her migraines(like I also had from age 13 until weed saved me) which I hope are "just" migraines and NOT complications from her recent concussions, and now our Evil Overlords say they'll lift the Vaccine Passports in January and mask requirements in March but I'll believe it when I see it( monkeys will fly out of my ass first) I think it's just dangling a carrot; giving people false hope to pacify them so they don't revolt and then when the time comes they'll make up some excuse to keep extending it....wait....you'll see....and people call me a Conspiracy Theorist too but in actual reality I just know that most things go deeper  than what they appear to be.I have the mind of an agent, or a cop; always suspicious, digging deeper, knowing that there's usually alot more to the story than what it seems.

There's so much hate for the ones we love because they destroyed us.

 

Daily Truth.

 

Musings For Monday.

TRUTH.

F*ck 'em!

Hey, Trudeau, this is for YOU!

When you gotta go, you gotta go...

I am a repeat offender.

I always assume that it will because it usually does.