What issues regarding intimacy can individuals with Asperger's face?
We need a lot of time alone. If the other person is not autistic or a strong introvert, they may misunderstand this need to be alone as a desire not to be with them. We get overloaded, drained, much sooner than the average person.
We often have Alexithymia — a difficulty, sometimes even the total inability, to identify and describe our feelings. We are not so likely to talk about our feelings in general, or for the other person. We are more likely to show love by actions (no, I don’t mean buying flowers: doing practical actions, like fixing their computer for them).
We may not enjoy social events — unstructured gatherings with lots of small talk — as much as our partners. Besides the fact that these can easily drain us, or overstimulate us (requiring hours of quiet time alone to wind down), we will be less willing to attend such events. We may adapt a little better if we can talk about our special interests with someone for the whole event. I once spent an entire party talking to one stranger about games programming — it got us both through the evening. On another occasion I spent the last hour in a room by myself, silently looking at artworks, while everyone else was in another room chatting. I was too drained to be with them.
We may not be used to initiating, or even receiving, signs of physical affection likes hugs or kisses. I personally do not know how people manage to spontaneously hug each other. They must observe subtle body language signs, but I cannot recognise them. It is a mystery to me. When people are hugging, I can turn into a wooden board. I am often out of my depth. Moving from a talking relationship to a touching relationship may be unintuitive for many on the spectrum, even if they want to make that transition.
We may take a very pragmatic and open-minded attitude to sex, apart from possible sensory triggers (like light touch). We are less likely to buy into social stigma — sex is just an interesting physical activity. This of course varies from person to person, but unusual sexual orientations and attitudes are more common among people on the autism spectrum. We are a little less likely to be socialised into general social attitudes to sex. Asexuality is a real thing too for many people on the spectrum (and no, it isn’t just a case of “they haven’t found the right person yet”). Some of us may also have better book knowledge about sex than practical experience.
We may have been bullied or abused. We are three times more likely than our siblings to have experienced bullying, and these experiences can affect us. Some autistic people may have few boundaries because of abuse when younger. Many of us are not just autistic, we often have other conditions or traumatic life experiences alongside plain old autism. For example, I have misophonia (a severe reaction to specific sounds, like chewing and drinking) which can, for example, make “dinner for two” very unpleasant. Misophonia can have a significant effect on relationships, so it is not just a question of Asperger’s only. Going to a restaurant is not so bad, though, because the loud background hubbub tends to drown out soft trigger sounds (it practically triggers me writing about this!).
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