It is so hard to live with because each day there will be a couple, seemingly minor things that can completely set you off. These “minor” things also happen to other people. However, they don't even blink when it happens, while you start to panic, cry, or become aggravated. (For example, experiencing an unexpected change or having someone unexpectedly touch what's mine can literally feel like the world has just ended.) This means that you'll experience a lot more negative feelings on a daily basis than most people.
On top of this, you always have to deal with those feelings alone. People don't listen and when they listen they don't understand. They will tell you things such as “it's nothing, what is your problem” and “just let it go”, as if I choose to feel this way! Most of the time, telling people doesn't feel like an option, because most people with autism have been bullied before. I'm afraid that if I tell people they will laugh at me, exclude me etc. People have a lot of stereotypes about autistic people and generally do not want to be in contact with them (whether you have those characteristics or not). Telling people can also get them to dismiss your autism, because “you don't seem autistic”. However, the reason that they don't see it is because I'm trying my hardest each and every day to hold my emotions back. Doesn't mean I don't still feel them.
When you're with family (who do know about your autism) it's easier to show your struggle. They try to adapt a bit. But talk about how often you'll hear that they are done with constantly adapting and why you don't put in a little effort yourself… What they don't realise is that I'm adapting countless times a day, most of which you do not notice because I'm trying my best to hold it in. So if, after 10 times the 11th gets too much, it may seem as if they have to do all the work, but that is simply not true.
You also get in conflict with yourself. You start blaming yourself for crying over seemingly nothing, you get mad at yourself for not being able to adjust to the situation even if you want to, you start to hate yourself for being such a burden to everyone around you etc. Personal victories are nothing more than a reminder of how incapable you still are.
Many also “suffer” from hypersensitivity (for me, including pain, sound, taste, smell and mental sensitivity). This means, yet again, that the world is very complex and can often become too much. And, yet again, other people will just think you're a pussy.
At times, you can get confused or you get in unnecessary arguments because you've misunderstood something someone said. You take things literally because ‘it's what being said’, not knowing you had to read between the lines. To others, you will seem to lack basic communication skills. This will make you feel very stupid, anxious, and will have you questioning what you did wrong in life to deserve this. Relatively many people with autism develop social anxiety because of this.
But it's not just the negatives, even the “positives” hold you back: you're intelligent (with Asperger's at least) but it feels like cheating because it's only because of your autism; you have eye for detail, but that just makes you work overtime for details that aren't needed; you're honest, but that makes you rude; you have a thousand different interests, which makes you alright at all but good at none etc.
Lastly, you can try to cope with it all you want, but you'll never get rid of the limitations.You'll forever be an outsider; less than average. It's a bleak view of the rest of your life. Some people will try to tell you that you should embrace it because it's part of your personality, but to me, there's nothing worth embracing.
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