Another Failure Yet Again.

I'm not even supposed to still be here today and I'm both surprised and disappointed. Last night as I went to bed I swallowed down 4 big handfuls of pills with the intention to just go to sleep and never wake up but of course once again it didn't work yet again. I'm such a colossal failure that I can't even kill myself properly! This has got to be (at least) my 7th or so attempt and I still can't get it right. My guess is either I must have a high tolerance for drugs( having taking medications for over the past 10 years or so, maybe even longer; it's hard to remember as time goes by so fast) or it's just not my Time yet but either way I'nm still royally pissed-off. I still do have effects from the pills though as I peed myself during the night( something I never do) so I was either in too deep a sleep to wake up or maybe I had another seizure but either way it was a biiig pee and I woke up with my undies and PJ's all soaking wet. This morning as well I'm soooo dizzy too I can hardly even stand up and when I walk I stagger around like a drunk and I can tell my brain is "fuzzy" and foggy even some 12 HRS later. If I'm lucky( which I'm not and never have been) maybe it'll just be a delayed reaction and I still will die just not right away like I was hoping. I think I have a cold as well as I still have that blinding headache with a stabbing pain behind my eyes and I can feel my face "crackling" too(I think sinus),  achy ears,and my nose has boogers in it(although the left nostril has been blocked for months) so the dizziness could just be from that,too.

This is one of the bath-bombs the 23 YR old gave me for Christmas when it fizzes(it looked much brighter in real life than in the photo) and it swirled in all pretty rainbow colours and I kept the bathwater with it in from yesterday too (I enjoyed it so much and wanted it to last) half-way and today just added all hot water so that way I get to save it and enjoy it twice and bath-bombs make me feel so luxurious as well, and the 28 YR old also said that my mother and I are clones  too which horrified me and is the biggest insult ever; I don't want to be anything like her and I'd rather be dead, and yesterday my hubby had to drive the 26 YR old all the way to Oshawa ( a 90 minute or so drive each way) to get his train back to London as the usual route was cancelled....but he never came back yet so he either was too tired to drive back last night and stayed overnight at a motel or else maybe he had to drive him all the way to London; a 4-5 hour drive, maybe even longer each way(yet it's a bother to drive 2 HRS to Toronto each way to pick me up at the airport?) and just stayed there? That's a problem though as today was the day my mother was trying to go to the lab and get her bloodwork done and he was also going to the Boxing Week sale to get our new TV. There's always something, isn't there? If it weren't for bad "luck" we wouldn't have any "luck" at all.

God doesn't make mistakes.